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Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
NBA Preview
If I've learned one thing in my life as a journalist, it's that timeliness is everything. And with that, I give you my 2007-08 NBA Preview!!!
I had these written out and ready to blog on Oct. 27, then I lost said paper, then found it this morning. WEEEEEEEE!
Eastern Conference (top 8)
1)
(55-27)
A lot has been said about the Celtics and the Big 3, but I am not as optimistic as some others. Yes, they are a shoe-in for the playoffs, but when have Garnett, Pierce OR Allen ever made a meaningful run in the playoffs that makes people think they can suddenly win it all? I'll go with the boring, steady former champs, thanks.
2)
(53-29)
They go here by default because of how terrible the East is. They have already impressed me with their 7-0 start, but I don't care about regular season stuff. Pierce and Allen have injuries in their past(s) and at some point somebody's getting hurt and all the sudden Eddie House is starting. Not good. They could win the East...but not the title.
3)
(50-32)
OK, so this prediction isn't looking good early. I didn't know Arenas' knee was as bad as it is and I certainly didn't expect him to ask to play less because of it. In the end I think they'll be there, though perhaps not in this spot. Arenas is in his walk year, so I don't buy this 'sit me down' stuff.
4)
(52-30)
Soooooooooo, yeah. I predicted this before Kobe-gate and the entire team playing like tired little squirrels. Ben Wallace is becoming frighteningly old before our eyes and is proving he wasn't worth that giant contract he got. I still like their chances of finishing strong so long as they don't trade for Kobe. Why would getting him make them good? Are the Lakers good?
5)
(48-34)
They've gotten off to a bit of a sluggish start and I don't know how bad Bosh's knee is. If it's bad, they miss the playoffs, but if he is reasonably healthy they will make the playoffs without much struggle. They are like the mini-Suns. They have a Colangelo in charge, a kick-ass big man (Bosh), an assist donkey at point (Ford), three-point shooters galore (Parker, Bargnani, Kapono, Garbajosa) and a 'shoot it in four seconds or Ima brain you' approach. I enjoy watching them.
6)
(46-36)
This team is as exciting as a Roger Ebert/Keanu Reeves porno. I simply hate watching them plod along and score 72 points with far too high a frequency. LeBron is magical to watch and I hope he gets away from his god awful team before long. The Cavs are like the Spurs in that they're boring, but not like the Spurs in that they suck. At least they played in the Finals last year.
7)
(44-38)
They have started off much stronger than I expected and look like a stone-cold lock to finish higher than this. If Dwight Howard can improve at the line and shoot just 70% (which isn't a ridiculous task) this team is all the sudden a force in this crappy conference. No one in the East can match up with Howard and he is perhaps just a year or two away from carrying his team to the Finals.
8)
(42-40)
I think they just sneak in ahead of surprising teams like Atlanta and Charlotte. Yi is apparently not as big of a stiff as I thought he would be this year and he is with a solid group of players. This team's downfall, as has been a problem for everyone except for the 1990s Bulls, is that their SG is their best player. Nothing good can come of this. If you want to win a title, your best player must be a PF or C. That's it. I love Michael Redd, but this team is forever an eight seed until they get a dominant big man for him.
Notice that the Heat are not listed above. That is no mistake. They are simply stunningly bad and will not make the playoffs. Not even if Wade is Wade.
Tomorrow: Western Conference Preview
Saturday: Playoff Picks
I had these written out and ready to blog on Oct. 27, then I lost said paper, then found it this morning. WEEEEEEEE!
Eastern Conference (top 8)
1)
(55-27)A lot has been said about the Celtics and the Big 3, but I am not as optimistic as some others. Yes, they are a shoe-in for the playoffs, but when have Garnett, Pierce OR Allen ever made a meaningful run in the playoffs that makes people think they can suddenly win it all? I'll go with the boring, steady former champs, thanks.
2)
(53-29)They go here by default because of how terrible the East is. They have already impressed me with their 7-0 start, but I don't care about regular season stuff. Pierce and Allen have injuries in their past(s) and at some point somebody's getting hurt and all the sudden Eddie House is starting. Not good. They could win the East...but not the title.
3)
(50-32)OK, so this prediction isn't looking good early. I didn't know Arenas' knee was as bad as it is and I certainly didn't expect him to ask to play less because of it. In the end I think they'll be there, though perhaps not in this spot. Arenas is in his walk year, so I don't buy this 'sit me down' stuff.
4)
(52-30)Soooooooooo, yeah. I predicted this before Kobe-gate and the entire team playing like tired little squirrels. Ben Wallace is becoming frighteningly old before our eyes and is proving he wasn't worth that giant contract he got. I still like their chances of finishing strong so long as they don't trade for Kobe. Why would getting him make them good? Are the Lakers good?
5)
(48-34)They've gotten off to a bit of a sluggish start and I don't know how bad Bosh's knee is. If it's bad, they miss the playoffs, but if he is reasonably healthy they will make the playoffs without much struggle. They are like the mini-Suns. They have a Colangelo in charge, a kick-ass big man (Bosh), an assist donkey at point (Ford), three-point shooters galore (Parker, Bargnani, Kapono, Garbajosa) and a 'shoot it in four seconds or Ima brain you' approach. I enjoy watching them.
6)
(46-36)This team is as exciting as a Roger Ebert/Keanu Reeves porno. I simply hate watching them plod along and score 72 points with far too high a frequency. LeBron is magical to watch and I hope he gets away from his god awful team before long. The Cavs are like the Spurs in that they're boring, but not like the Spurs in that they suck. At least they played in the Finals last year.
7)
(44-38)They have started off much stronger than I expected and look like a stone-cold lock to finish higher than this. If Dwight Howard can improve at the line and shoot just 70% (which isn't a ridiculous task) this team is all the sudden a force in this crappy conference. No one in the East can match up with Howard and he is perhaps just a year or two away from carrying his team to the Finals.
8)
(42-40)I think they just sneak in ahead of surprising teams like Atlanta and Charlotte. Yi is apparently not as big of a stiff as I thought he would be this year and he is with a solid group of players. This team's downfall, as has been a problem for everyone except for the 1990s Bulls, is that their SG is their best player. Nothing good can come of this. If you want to win a title, your best player must be a PF or C. That's it. I love Michael Redd, but this team is forever an eight seed until they get a dominant big man for him.
Notice that the Heat are not listed above. That is no mistake. They are simply stunningly bad and will not make the playoffs. Not even if Wade is Wade.
Tomorrow: Western Conference Preview
Saturday: Playoff Picks
Friday, October 26, 2007
David Stern is consistent
Stern decided yesterday that he will not discipline the more than 50% of NBA referees who were found to have gambled in casinos. The rule states that NBA refs cannot go to casinos or bet on ANY sporting events. The refs in question are rumored to have bet on golf and football, but Stern called the rule "too harsh" and let them skate in the aftermath of Tim Donaghy's NBA betting scandal.
Umm, one word comes to mind: David Stern is balls.
While we're on the subject of terrible rules, hey, how about the leaving the bench rule after a fight? Amare Stoudemire wants to know why there was no stepping in as the commish handed the title to the Spurs after Amare took one step onto the court after Robert Horry threw a dirty elbow at Steve Nash that sent him flying into the scorer's table. I think we all deserve an explanation too.
Stern basically said "the rule is the rule, sooooooo, he needs to be suspended."
Here's to consistency!!!
Stern, after successful turkey-chin reduction surgery
Umm, one word comes to mind: David Stern is balls.
While we're on the subject of terrible rules, hey, how about the leaving the bench rule after a fight? Amare Stoudemire wants to know why there was no stepping in as the commish handed the title to the Spurs after Amare took one step onto the court after Robert Horry threw a dirty elbow at Steve Nash that sent him flying into the scorer's table. I think we all deserve an explanation too.
Stern basically said "the rule is the rule, sooooooo, he needs to be suspended."
Here's to consistency!!!
Stern, after successful turkey-chin reduction surgery
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Tony Kornheiser asks a question...
"Have the Red Sox fans gone from being sympathetic figures to an insufferable mass?"
Umm, when were they NOT insufferable shit babies?
This "woe-is-me, the Yankees are the Evil Empire even though we spend way more than everyone else does also, Bill Buckner-hating, chowduh eating, fucking inbred retarded accent speaking, now we're the shit because our team wins" shit has been old for oh, about the last 89 years.
You know what? Your team was done in by its own shitty play. Bucky, Buckner, Boone, Babe, all that shit was caused by your team's own stupidity/choking. You don't know what it's like to have something you won pulled away from you. You lost on the field. There were no phantom calls that deprived you of a World Series all those years. Blame your owner for selling Babe Ruth to finance 'No No Nanette' you fucking lifeless gas bags. Scream bloody murder at your borderline Hall of Fame first baseman because he made an error in a big game. Seems to me you had a lead in game 7 in '86. Didn't you? Huh?
Shut the fuck up already. Those Yankees you hate so much just to the south, you know what? People hate you more now. Your team spends out its ass to buy a championship just like the Yankees do. You know what the most obscene contract ever was before A-Rod's? It was Manny's. Stop crying, stop pretending that anyone cares about your plight and go ahead and enjoy your success while it happens, because nothing will make baseball fans happier than when you suck again.
Fuck the Yankees, fuck Steinbrenner, fuck Yankees fans, sure. But fuck you all even more. Peace.
Even babies hate you
Umm, when were they NOT insufferable shit babies?
This "woe-is-me, the Yankees are the Evil Empire even though we spend way more than everyone else does also, Bill Buckner-hating, chowduh eating, fucking inbred retarded accent speaking, now we're the shit because our team wins" shit has been old for oh, about the last 89 years.
You know what? Your team was done in by its own shitty play. Bucky, Buckner, Boone, Babe, all that shit was caused by your team's own stupidity/choking. You don't know what it's like to have something you won pulled away from you. You lost on the field. There were no phantom calls that deprived you of a World Series all those years. Blame your owner for selling Babe Ruth to finance 'No No Nanette' you fucking lifeless gas bags. Scream bloody murder at your borderline Hall of Fame first baseman because he made an error in a big game. Seems to me you had a lead in game 7 in '86. Didn't you? Huh?
Shut the fuck up already. Those Yankees you hate so much just to the south, you know what? People hate you more now. Your team spends out its ass to buy a championship just like the Yankees do. You know what the most obscene contract ever was before A-Rod's? It was Manny's. Stop crying, stop pretending that anyone cares about your plight and go ahead and enjoy your success while it happens, because nothing will make baseball fans happier than when you suck again.
Fuck the Yankees, fuck Steinbrenner, fuck Yankees fans, sure. But fuck you all even more. Peace.
Even babies hate you
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Week 6 Rundown
In honor of the tremendous importance of naming week 6 games, here is a scoreboard of today's titanic clashes.
The Duel in Dallas
Patriots - 48
Cowboys - 27
The Comma Splice in Chicago
Vikings - 34
Bears - 31
The Clambake in Cleveland
Dolphins - 31
Browns - 41
The Genocidal Gassing in Green Bay
Redskins - 14
Packers - 17
The Klan Rally in Kansas City
Bengals - 20
Chiefs - 27
Noah Jacobsen's Bar Mitzvah in New Jersey
Eagles - 16
Jets - 9
The Tit Fondling in Tampa Bay
Titans - 10
Buccaneers - 13
The Japanese Barbecue in Jacksonville
Texans - 17
Jaguars - 37
The Baby Shower in Baltimore
Rams - 3
Ravens - 22
The Aroma of Cheese in Arizona
Panthers - 25
Cardinals - 10
The Sausage Fest in San Diego
Raiders - 14
Chargers - 28
I'll have updates tomorrow on Sodomy in Seattle and Ass to Mouth in Atlanta.
The Duel in Dallas
Patriots - 48
Cowboys - 27
The Comma Splice in Chicago
Vikings - 34
Bears - 31
The Clambake in Cleveland
Dolphins - 31
Browns - 41
The Genocidal Gassing in Green Bay
Redskins - 14
Packers - 17
The Klan Rally in Kansas City
Bengals - 20
Chiefs - 27
Noah Jacobsen's Bar Mitzvah in New Jersey
Eagles - 16
Jets - 9
The Tit Fondling in Tampa Bay
Titans - 10
Buccaneers - 13
The Japanese Barbecue in Jacksonville
Texans - 17
Jaguars - 37
The Baby Shower in Baltimore
Rams - 3
Ravens - 22
The Aroma of Cheese in Arizona
Panthers - 25
Cardinals - 10
The Sausage Fest in San Diego
Raiders - 14
Chargers - 28
I'll have updates tomorrow on Sodomy in Seattle and Ass to Mouth in Atlanta.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Postseason Picks
Nothing too in depth here, just giving my opinions on who will come out on top in the 2007 playoffs.
NLDS
Phillies over Rockies in 5
Cubs over Diamondbacks in 5
NLCS
Phillies over Cubs in 6
ALDS
Indians over Yankees in 5
Red Sox over Angels in 4
ALCS
Indians over Red Sox in 7
WS
Indians over Phillies in 6
The INDIANS!?!?!? You know what, I think you heard me.
Chief Wahoo is a bad mamma jamma
I would have done more logic-based analysis of the matchups but I forgot to do it yesterday. So here are my picks with no explanation. ENJOY!!!
NLDS
Phillies over Rockies in 5
Cubs over Diamondbacks in 5
NLCS
Phillies over Cubs in 6
ALDS
Indians over Yankees in 5
Red Sox over Angels in 4
ALCS
Indians over Red Sox in 7
WS
Indians over Phillies in 6
The INDIANS!?!?!? You know what, I think you heard me.
Chief Wahoo is a bad mamma jamma
I would have done more logic-based analysis of the matchups but I forgot to do it yesterday. So here are my picks with no explanation. ENJOY!!!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
The Chinese are wise...
Well, when they're not making toxic toothpaste anyways.
Tonight I got take-out at Admiral Wang's House of Noodles (not the real name, but I don't remember what it was and I wanted to get in at least one racist remark in this thing...stinking Jews).
The meal was about what you'd expect from Chinese take-out. Rice, noodles, sweet and sour, egg roll, blah, blah blah. It was good.
Then, as is always the case, the meal ended with the always disappointing reading of the fortune.
Almost always it is something that is generalized to the point of stupidity. "You will find what you have searched for," or "Soon you will get a paycheck for $167.48 and you will be pissed beyond all rhyme or reason because you were sure you logged at least $300 worth of time but Eric the supervisor said there were deductions due to the 'forklift accident' that left trainee Blake with seven toes." You know, the usual crap.
But today...it came. The rare, self-fulfilling, genius fortune. It succeeded in proving itself true simply by what it said. The words made the fortune come true!!! That is some kind of sorcery.
BEHOLD!
"WELL, WHY NOT? ADMIT IT -- YOU'RE INTRIGUED."
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Why yes, yes I am. But about what? ABOUT THE FORTUNE ITSELF! Man. No wonder they were able to build a wall you can see from space.
If that isn't the best goddamn fortune you've ever seen you can go fuck yourself because I don't believe you.
Also, you know how on the back it gives you lottery numbers and instructions on how to write and say a certain Chinese phrase?
Hahaha, ahh.
Well, I got the best one of those ever too.
Wait for it...
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT FOR IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT...
"LONG TIME"
If anyone ever gets a hold of one that teaches them how to say "Me love you" I'll take you on a trip to San Francisco and we can try that shit out in Chinatown.
Tonight I got take-out at Admiral Wang's House of Noodles (not the real name, but I don't remember what it was and I wanted to get in at least one racist remark in this thing...stinking Jews).
The meal was about what you'd expect from Chinese take-out. Rice, noodles, sweet and sour, egg roll, blah, blah blah. It was good.
Then, as is always the case, the meal ended with the always disappointing reading of the fortune.
Almost always it is something that is generalized to the point of stupidity. "You will find what you have searched for," or "Soon you will get a paycheck for $167.48 and you will be pissed beyond all rhyme or reason because you were sure you logged at least $300 worth of time but Eric the supervisor said there were deductions due to the 'forklift accident' that left trainee Blake with seven toes." You know, the usual crap.
But today...it came. The rare, self-fulfilling, genius fortune. It succeeded in proving itself true simply by what it said. The words made the fortune come true!!! That is some kind of sorcery.
BEHOLD!
"WELL, WHY NOT? ADMIT IT -- YOU'RE INTRIGUED."
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Why yes, yes I am. But about what? ABOUT THE FORTUNE ITSELF! Man. No wonder they were able to build a wall you can see from space.
If that isn't the best goddamn fortune you've ever seen you can go fuck yourself because I don't believe you.
Also, you know how on the back it gives you lottery numbers and instructions on how to write and say a certain Chinese phrase?
Hahaha, ahh.
Well, I got the best one of those ever too.
Wait for it...
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT FOR IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT...
"LONG TIME"
If anyone ever gets a hold of one that teaches them how to say "Me love you" I'll take you on a trip to San Francisco and we can try that shit out in Chinatown.
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