"5. Degrees of Rightness
Spencer Hawes is a hardcore conservative from, of all places, the liberal stronghold of Seattle. He was drafted into a city (Sacramento) where one of the country's most recognizable Republican governors (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is in office. Hawes says he "loves" Arnold, and that he brought True Lies with him on the trip to New York, with plans to watch it on the flight home. "Now it has a little extra meaning for me," Hawes said.
Before we expect some kind of right-wing, basketball-and-politics partnership to form, though, Hawes might need to change his stance on global warming. Schwarzenegger, who most recently discussed the issue with world leaders during a tour of Europe, has become a leading figure in the fight for action against climate change. Hawes has a different view.
When I spoke with Hawes at the league's predraft camp on May 31, he talked about a recent Public Debate class exercise at the University of Washington. In it, he said, he denied the entire existence -- and human cause -- of global warming. When asked for his take on Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth, Hawes said, "It's one big lie. I talked about that in my opening speech -- it's the media's liberal overexaggeration of just about everything."
Hawes, also an avid listener of The Rush Limbaugh Show, will be happy to know that Rush also turned pro -- as a talk radio host -- in Sacramento. For fear of overexaggerating any additional draft tales, we'll leave you with that."
No word yet on Hawes' stances on gravity, the multiplication tables and marrying outside one's own family.
Spencer Hawes' high school math class:
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Jay Bilas says...
Hawes "doesn't rebound" and "can't block shots."
Man, we have always needed a center like that!!! We certainly don't have anyone like that on our roster right now.
Man, we have always needed a center like that!!! We certainly don't have anyone like that on our roster right now.
Thornton vs. Hawes
Don't take Hawes. Fucking hell don't take Hawes, Kings. Come on, please? We don't need any more slow, white centers.
I swear, if you take Hawes...I don't know if I'll really be upset cuz I know nothing about him, but...I want Thornton cuz he can score.
We need that dynamic scorer to go alongside Martin and Artest. Martin can score, sure, but he needs help. Think how much more freedom he would have if we added another 20 ppg scorer.
Come on Kings. Thornton.
I swear, if you take Hawes...I don't know if I'll really be upset cuz I know nothing about him, but...I want Thornton cuz he can score.
We need that dynamic scorer to go alongside Martin and Artest. Martin can score, sure, but he needs help. Think how much more freedom he would have if we added another 20 ppg scorer.
Come on Kings. Thornton.
Bulls
I'm not worried because I value Thornton really high and I think they're taking Hawes here.
Uhhh, don't say anything about Thornton, asshole. Leave my boy alone.
Furthermore, I wouldn't mind having Noah. We need toughness and he has it. I hated him in college, but I would like him on my team.
But seriously, don't take Thornton here...
Alright, sweet.
Uhhh, don't say anything about Thornton, asshole. Leave my boy alone.
Furthermore, I wouldn't mind having Noah. We need toughness and he has it. I hated him in college, but I would like him on my team.
But seriously, don't take Thornton here...
Alright, sweet.
Wright's gone
Fuck!
Shit
Fuck
Douche
Cunt
Olives
Shoes
Bitch
Why does Stephen A. have a job? Seriously, someone answer me.
Nice braces. People over 12 shouldn't have braces. (Notice how I'm berating him now that we can't get him? That's my style). Fuck Wright. Lame-ass fucker anyway.
Shit
Fuck
Douche
Cunt
Olives
Shoes
Bitch
Why does Stephen A. have a job? Seriously, someone answer me.
Nice braces. People over 12 shouldn't have braces. (Notice how I'm berating him now that we can't get him? That's my style). Fuck Wright. Lame-ass fucker anyway.
I'm only doing this through the 10th pick
I'm tired and I only really care who the Kings get.
Come on, Charlotte, pass on Brandan. He is my boy. He won't go to the Bulls at 9 I'm pretty sure, so it all comes down to right here.
Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Rachel Nichols. I want her to eat my balls.
OOHHHH, take Noah. TAKE HIM!!! Leave Brandan for us!
Oh you motherfuckers. Goddammit. That pisses me right off.
Come on, Charlotte, pass on Brandan. He is my boy. He won't go to the Bulls at 9 I'm pretty sure, so it all comes down to right here.
Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Rachel Nichols. I want her to eat my balls.
OOHHHH, take Noah. TAKE HIM!!! Leave Brandan for us!
Oh you motherfuckers. Goddammit. That pisses me right off.
T-Wolves
Since when are the T-Wolves alowed to make a first round pick? Haha. They just talked about it as I typed this.
Brewer, very nice. He is a defensive dynamo.
Wow. And here I was thinking Noah couldn't possibly look any stupider. He looks like Weird Al and Pee-Wee Herman's love child.
If they can trade KG I think the Wolves are set if they can get some picks. Brewer, Foye, other younguns.
The Kings will get either Noah, Thornton or Wright(s). If the Bobcats keep this pick they are taking Wright. You know Jordan will take the Carolina guy.
I want him though. He is special.
Brewer, very nice. He is a defensive dynamo.
Wow. And here I was thinking Noah couldn't possibly look any stupider. He looks like Weird Al and Pee-Wee Herman's love child.
If they can trade KG I think the Wolves are set if they can get some picks. Brewer, Foye, other younguns.
The Kings will get either Noah, Thornton or Wright(s). If the Bobcats keep this pick they are taking Wright. You know Jordan will take the Carolina guy.
I want him though. He is special.
Why is Stuart Scott calling him "E"?
Wow, this guy should not be speaking. That was the worst interview ever.
Stu: "What do you like most about America?"
Yi: "Uhhhhhhhhhhh-mmmmmmmmmmmm. I like the L.A. I went to work out there and ummmmmmmmmm I like the lake and the peoples."
Thanks Yi. Good show.
Stu: "What do you like most about America?"
Yi: "Uhhhhhhhhhhh-mmmmmmmmmmmm. I like the L.A. I went to work out there and ummmmmmmmmm I like the lake and the peoples."
Thanks Yi. Good show.
Bucks on the clock
What do they do here?
Yi! Wow. I dunno if I agree with that for the Bucks. I guess it works cuz who's their PF? Technically Bogut is a center I guess. I am interested to see how he develops, because if he's good we will have to watch China for talet a lot more closely. Yao is excellent, so if Yi is too then it is officially a talent pool.
Ha! Nice picture, ass.
I can't wait til the Timberwolves trade KG for a bag of Skittles.
Haha, the Chinaman's people didn't want the Bucks to "see him play." Hahahahahaha. That's awesome. Stupid Chinese.
Yi! Wow. I dunno if I agree with that for the Bucks. I guess it works cuz who's their PF? Technically Bogut is a center I guess. I am interested to see how he develops, because if he's good we will have to watch China for talet a lot more closely. Yao is excellent, so if Yi is too then it is officially a talent pool.
Ha! Nice picture, ass.
I can't wait til the Timberwolves trade KG for a bag of Skittles.
Haha, the Chinaman's people didn't want the Bucks to "see him play." Hahahahahaha. That's awesome. Stupid Chinese.
Lemon Lime
These Sprite Lemon Lime commercials are ghastly and the Transformers movie looks stupid. Transformers do not look like that, assholes. Michael Bay ruins everything he touches.
I hope the Kings trade Bibby at some point during this draft and they take Acie Law with whatever pick they get. That guy's a stud.
I hope the Kings trade Bibby at some point during this draft and they take Acie Law with whatever pick they get. That guy's a stud.
Fifth pick
Why is Lisa Salters here? She isn't hot. Get Erin Andrews and Rachel Nichols up in dis bitch.
RAY ALLEN to Boston!!! That is just silly.
Jeff Green at No. 5 is too early. I have seen him going as late as 12th in mock drafts.
He's good though, I would have liked him for the Kings at 10, but there are plenty of others I would like as well. I think of Green kind of like Josh Howard in that he was a great college player that seemed to be talked down as ne entered the draft. No one said anything about him going in but he was the best player on a team that was a sexy pick to win it all last year.
Green and Durant. Man, that's a really, really solid building block for the future. So do they keep Rashard now? Cuz I thought he was the one to leave, not Ray.
I'm hoping for Thornton, Brandan Wright, Julian Wright, maybe Yi, Noah for the Kings. There are lots of good players in there.
RAY ALLEN to Boston!!! That is just silly.
Jeff Green at No. 5 is too early. I have seen him going as late as 12th in mock drafts.
He's good though, I would have liked him for the Kings at 10, but there are plenty of others I would like as well. I think of Green kind of like Josh Howard in that he was a great college player that seemed to be talked down as ne entered the draft. No one said anything about him going in but he was the best player on a team that was a sexy pick to win it all last year.
Green and Durant. Man, that's a really, really solid building block for the future. So do they keep Rashard now? Cuz I thought he was the one to leave, not Ray.
I'm hoping for Thornton, Brandan Wright, Julian Wright, maybe Yi, Noah for the Kings. There are lots of good players in there.
Mike Conley
I think he could be good, but I was never awed by him. He should be good in Memphis though, because I don't think they're as far away from being good as they appeared last year. Gasol is a stud and Mike Miller is the sharpshooter. Add a good point guard (sorry DStoud and Chucky Aykins) and they are a 50-win team.
Good pick.
Now shit gets interesting. Is the Chinaman next? Stay tuned.
Good pick.
Now shit gets interesting. Is the Chinaman next? Stay tuned.
Third pick
Pritchard is lying, They were taking Oden from day one. Of course he's not going to say that because he wants the spotlight on his team for as long as possible. It was a no-brainer pick to me. You take the big man.
Horford, beauty. I really like him. He has a chance to be a really good player in my opinion. He was kind of overlooked as part of that Florida team, but he was easily the best player. I think they could have still won without Noah or Brewer, but not without Horford.
He's got a little Barkley in him, but is 6 inches taller.
Hmm, Stephen A. Smith is talking and saying something stupid again. Shocking. Hmm, I've never hears Horford talk before I don't think. I didn't know he was Dominican. Shows how much I know about these people after all.
I agree, Mark Jackson. Conley is less of a sure thing than Horford.
Horford, beauty. I really like him. He has a chance to be a really good player in my opinion. He was kind of overlooked as part of that Florida team, but he was easily the best player. I think they could have still won without Noah or Brewer, but not without Horford.
He's got a little Barkley in him, but is 6 inches taller.
Hmm, Stephen A. Smith is talking and saying something stupid again. Shocking. Hmm, I've never hears Horford talk before I don't think. I didn't know he was Dominican. Shows how much I know about these people after all.
I agree, Mark Jackson. Conley is less of a sure thing than Horford.
Durant
Damn, I was looking forward to seeing Ray and Durant play together. That would have been sick.
Oh awesome, the first hysterical sports mother interview. She's clearly just crying because now she gets a free house and cars and junk. Where's Durant's dad? Haha. Oh yeah.
I can't get over this Ray Allen deal. I guess Pierce's demand to get an established player was taken seriously. He's probably pissed right now though, cuz I think he just wanted to leave and figured Danny Gaynge would fuck up and not actually do it.
Durant kind of looks like Michael Jordan in the facial area. Al Horford up soon!
Oh awesome, the first hysterical sports mother interview. She's clearly just crying because now she gets a free house and cars and junk. Where's Durant's dad? Haha. Oh yeah.
I can't get over this Ray Allen deal. I guess Pierce's demand to get an established player was taken seriously. He's probably pissed right now though, cuz I think he just wanted to leave and figured Danny Gaynge would fuck up and not actually do it.
Durant kind of looks like Michael Jordan in the facial area. Al Horford up soon!
NBA Draft live blog
I decided to live blog this thing. Hi everyone.
Greg Oden first, nice. I really like him. He's got the game and what not but he's also really cool and personable like LeBron.
Haha, the cutaway to the 'war room' even though they made this decision the day of the lottery. Here goes Bilas, what a sloppy douche.
Stephen A. Smith needs to be violated with any and all nearby objects.
Seriously, Oden is at least 37. Yes, it's an old joke, but God. Look at him! His hands are fucking huge.
I also don't like Stuart Scott or Mike Tirico, but I don't think it's cuz they're black. It's cuz they are stupid assholes.
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...Ray Allen just got traded????? Oh my God. Pierce and Allen? Fucking hell!
Greg Oden first, nice. I really like him. He's got the game and what not but he's also really cool and personable like LeBron.
Haha, the cutaway to the 'war room' even though they made this decision the day of the lottery. Here goes Bilas, what a sloppy douche.
Stephen A. Smith needs to be violated with any and all nearby objects.
Seriously, Oden is at least 37. Yes, it's an old joke, but God. Look at him! His hands are fucking huge.
I also don't like Stuart Scott or Mike Tirico, but I don't think it's cuz they're black. It's cuz they are stupid assholes.
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...Ray Allen just got traded????? Oh my God. Pierce and Allen? Fucking hell!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Draft Time!
The tension is building. My palms are sweaty, waiting for the time to come. My phone, as usual, will be far away from me to avoid distractions. Laptop? Check. Various snackies? Check (Oh, how I heart you, Tostitos Nacho Cheese Dip).
Friends will be shunned, family will be left to burn, should they set themselves afire. Don't bother me. From 4 p.m. PST until 10:00 p.m. PST I shall not be bothered, cajoled, goaded or otherwise provoked to move out of my chair's ass-groove until I have had my fill of surprises, Jay Bilas' upside talks and numerous cutaways to Dick Vitale by phone screaming about how foreign players should be killed and that only players from Dook should be drafted.
This is how I foresee the joyous event playing out.
3:00 p.m. - I will turn to ESPNews to watch Around the Horn and PTI, and will grow uncommonly impatient that after seemingly hours of watching Bill Plaschke lisp his way through sloppily founded arguments and bad jokes it's only 3:06.
3:13 p.m. - Fuck. Is Plaschke still fucking going? Stop talking about how everyone who plays in L.A. is God, mmmkay?
3:30 p.m. - Blah blah blah Kornheiser hair joke blah blah blah Wilbon doesn't like American Idol blah blah blah penguin dance blah blah blah Victoria Beckham is hot blah blah fuck me this is stupid blah blah blah Stat Boy blah blah blah Goodnight Canada aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene.
4:00 p.m. - Here we go. It's time, bitches. The TV told me it starts at 4 p.m. so here I am. Laptop, snackies and expectations in tow. I have long since thrown my cell phone in a drawer and shut out the world so I can achieve nirvana in my self-imposed vegetative state. Wait a...
What the creamed corn hell is this shit? Why am I looking at Stuart Scott and Stephen Asshole Smith? What circle of hell have I just stumbled into? I check the guide. The draft starts at FIVE, this is just an hour more of bullshit pre-draft coverage. Gee, I wonder if they'll talk about Oden and Durant. Maybe throw in some 'Who will go No. 3?' talk and the inherent risks/rewards of a 7-foot chinaman.
4:02 p.m. - I am playing Madden Franchise mode. I'm in year five with the Texans. I have time to do some training camp drills and try to build my second-string ROLB from a 78 overall into an 83, cuz, well, that shit's important. I am a GM, dammit! Besides, I'll only play for a few minutes anyway.
4:58 p.m. - I am irritated beyond words as I am at a spot in the game where saving isn't an option and I'm glancing at the clock every 8 seconds weighing the option of turning off the game and sacrificing these 56 precious minutes that I have spent turning a 10-6 team into an 11-5 one or keep playing and hope that I can save very soon.
5:01 p.m. - All is well. I paused he game and simply switched TVs. Beautiful.
5:22 p.m. - Still no one has picked. What the dong panties is going on? Why are they still talking about this like it's happening tomorrow? Get to the picks! Jesus. No, NO Stephen A. You shall not shout until spoken to.
5:36 p.m. - With the first pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Portland Trailblazers select...Josh McRoberts, Duke. Somewhere Dickie V. is jacking off until he ejects dust from his old balls. But seriously, the first two picks are Oden first, Durant second.
6:23 p.m. - Are we seriously only at pick 7? I see players I want the Kings get disappear one by one. Horford - gone at No. 3, Brewer - gone at 6 or 7. But what about Mike Conley, Jr? Noah's still on the board too.
6:41 p.m. - Pssh, fuck Noah. I didn't want him anyway. Sweet, Brandan Wright is still there along with Julian Wright, maybe Jeff Green. Al Thornton would be a tits pick too. Awesomeness.
6:46 p.m. - With the ninth pick, the Chicago Bulls select Spencer Hawes, Washington. YES! Brandan Wright is ours! I am dancing with a fervor rarely seen and even rarer duplicated. I frantically IM my Kings fan friends that he's ours. WOOOOO!!!! We are trying to get standing room tickets for the home opener. Fucking ticketmaster. More like ASSmaster! Way to not have what I'm looking for.
6:56 p.m. - With the 10th pick, the Sacramento Kings select Tiago Splitter. OH MY ANALLY RAPED FETUS FUCK! Who the FUCK is Tiago Splitter? Tiago? Oh Geoff Petrie, you better hide yourself away. I will kill you so hard Yoda will sense it.
6:57 p.m. - The gun is loaded, I just need an address. I get some people on it.
7:00 p.m. - Scrubs reruns, nice. I really need to calm down. Shit, I saw this one eight times last week. I begin drinking the Tostitos nacho cheese dip and fantasizing about what Sarah Chalke feels like on the inside.
8:00 p.m. - I am lying down now, trying to pretend that my team didn't just take some unknown cock blanket from Brazil. I got shit planned out though, it's okay.
8:00 - 9:00 p.m. - Anything but ESPN, I must stay away from the rage-promoter.
9:00 - 10:00 p.m. - Baseball Tonight. Shit, the crawl at the bottom is showing draft updates. I get duct tape to cover the bottom inch of the screen. Woot.
10:00 - 11:00 p.m. - Not SportsCenter. Anything but. Maybe there's a good softcore on one of the 50 HBO channels I get. YES! 'Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade'! My favorite.
11:00p.m. - 1 a.m. - Probably watching Buffy episodes on DVD, letting Xander tickle my funny bone in ways that are strange and confusing.
1 a.m. - Bedtime. I may or may not have brushed my teeth. It doesn't matter. I have never been close enough to a girl for it to matter. See? Depression and self-loathing have permeated this day that I was so excited for. Fuck sports. I hate basketball. I'm gonna become a NASCAR fan. HAHAHA. Oh man can you imagine? I drift to sleep after laughing myself stupid thinking about actually enjoying cars driving in circles. I might as well go find one of my cousins and impregnate her and start listening to Rascal Flatts.
5:54 a.m. - Oh my God...I didn't turn the PlayStation off on the other TV. Well, no use checking now, it has certainly burst into flame by now. My life sucks.
Or, I dunno, maybe Oden falls to 10th and I die of a joy attack. You don't know.
See you all tomorrow at FIVE p.m. Don't try to reach me.
Friends will be shunned, family will be left to burn, should they set themselves afire. Don't bother me. From 4 p.m. PST until 10:00 p.m. PST I shall not be bothered, cajoled, goaded or otherwise provoked to move out of my chair's ass-groove until I have had my fill of surprises, Jay Bilas' upside talks and numerous cutaways to Dick Vitale by phone screaming about how foreign players should be killed and that only players from Dook should be drafted.
This is how I foresee the joyous event playing out.
3:00 p.m. - I will turn to ESPNews to watch Around the Horn and PTI, and will grow uncommonly impatient that after seemingly hours of watching Bill Plaschke lisp his way through sloppily founded arguments and bad jokes it's only 3:06.
3:13 p.m. - Fuck. Is Plaschke still fucking going? Stop talking about how everyone who plays in L.A. is God, mmmkay?
3:30 p.m. - Blah blah blah Kornheiser hair joke blah blah blah Wilbon doesn't like American Idol blah blah blah penguin dance blah blah blah Victoria Beckham is hot blah blah fuck me this is stupid blah blah blah Stat Boy blah blah blah Goodnight Canada aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene.
4:00 p.m. - Here we go. It's time, bitches. The TV told me it starts at 4 p.m. so here I am. Laptop, snackies and expectations in tow. I have long since thrown my cell phone in a drawer and shut out the world so I can achieve nirvana in my self-imposed vegetative state. Wait a...
What the creamed corn hell is this shit? Why am I looking at Stuart Scott and Stephen Asshole Smith? What circle of hell have I just stumbled into? I check the guide. The draft starts at FIVE, this is just an hour more of bullshit pre-draft coverage. Gee, I wonder if they'll talk about Oden and Durant. Maybe throw in some 'Who will go No. 3?' talk and the inherent risks/rewards of a 7-foot chinaman.
4:02 p.m. - I am playing Madden Franchise mode. I'm in year five with the Texans. I have time to do some training camp drills and try to build my second-string ROLB from a 78 overall into an 83, cuz, well, that shit's important. I am a GM, dammit! Besides, I'll only play for a few minutes anyway.
4:58 p.m. - I am irritated beyond words as I am at a spot in the game where saving isn't an option and I'm glancing at the clock every 8 seconds weighing the option of turning off the game and sacrificing these 56 precious minutes that I have spent turning a 10-6 team into an 11-5 one or keep playing and hope that I can save very soon.
5:01 p.m. - All is well. I paused he game and simply switched TVs. Beautiful.
5:22 p.m. - Still no one has picked. What the dong panties is going on? Why are they still talking about this like it's happening tomorrow? Get to the picks! Jesus. No, NO Stephen A. You shall not shout until spoken to.
5:36 p.m. - With the first pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Portland Trailblazers select...Josh McRoberts, Duke. Somewhere Dickie V. is jacking off until he ejects dust from his old balls. But seriously, the first two picks are Oden first, Durant second.
6:23 p.m. - Are we seriously only at pick 7? I see players I want the Kings get disappear one by one. Horford - gone at No. 3, Brewer - gone at 6 or 7. But what about Mike Conley, Jr? Noah's still on the board too.
6:41 p.m. - Pssh, fuck Noah. I didn't want him anyway. Sweet, Brandan Wright is still there along with Julian Wright, maybe Jeff Green. Al Thornton would be a tits pick too. Awesomeness.
6:46 p.m. - With the ninth pick, the Chicago Bulls select Spencer Hawes, Washington. YES! Brandan Wright is ours! I am dancing with a fervor rarely seen and even rarer duplicated. I frantically IM my Kings fan friends that he's ours. WOOOOO!!!! We are trying to get standing room tickets for the home opener. Fucking ticketmaster. More like ASSmaster! Way to not have what I'm looking for.
6:56 p.m. - With the 10th pick, the Sacramento Kings select Tiago Splitter. OH MY ANALLY RAPED FETUS FUCK! Who the FUCK is Tiago Splitter? Tiago? Oh Geoff Petrie, you better hide yourself away. I will kill you so hard Yoda will sense it.
6:57 p.m. - The gun is loaded, I just need an address. I get some people on it.
7:00 p.m. - Scrubs reruns, nice. I really need to calm down. Shit, I saw this one eight times last week. I begin drinking the Tostitos nacho cheese dip and fantasizing about what Sarah Chalke feels like on the inside.
8:00 p.m. - I am lying down now, trying to pretend that my team didn't just take some unknown cock blanket from Brazil. I got shit planned out though, it's okay.
8:00 - 9:00 p.m. - Anything but ESPN, I must stay away from the rage-promoter.
9:00 - 10:00 p.m. - Baseball Tonight. Shit, the crawl at the bottom is showing draft updates. I get duct tape to cover the bottom inch of the screen. Woot.
10:00 - 11:00 p.m. - Not SportsCenter. Anything but. Maybe there's a good softcore on one of the 50 HBO channels I get. YES! 'Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade'! My favorite.
11:00p.m. - 1 a.m. - Probably watching Buffy episodes on DVD, letting Xander tickle my funny bone in ways that are strange and confusing.
1 a.m. - Bedtime. I may or may not have brushed my teeth. It doesn't matter. I have never been close enough to a girl for it to matter. See? Depression and self-loathing have permeated this day that I was so excited for. Fuck sports. I hate basketball. I'm gonna become a NASCAR fan. HAHAHA. Oh man can you imagine? I drift to sleep after laughing myself stupid thinking about actually enjoying cars driving in circles. I might as well go find one of my cousins and impregnate her and start listening to Rascal Flatts.
5:54 a.m. - Oh my God...I didn't turn the PlayStation off on the other TV. Well, no use checking now, it has certainly burst into flame by now. My life sucks.
Or, I dunno, maybe Oden falls to 10th and I die of a joy attack. You don't know.
See you all tomorrow at FIVE p.m. Don't try to reach me.
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