Kevin Garnett walks through that door, fans

Kevin Garnett was officially traded to the Celtics today in exchange for five players, two first-round draft picks, six mules, four barrels of corn pone and $26.

While initially the deal seems great for the Celtics (it is), I love this deal for the T'Wolves. I really like Randy Foye and I think he is going to be a star in the next two years. He was the building block in Minny even before this trade and now they have a lot more weapons to play with.

Al Jefferson, Gerld Green, Ryan Gomes, Sebastian Telfair and Theo Ratliff('s contract) AND two first rounders added to the core of Foye, Corey Brewer, Mark Blount (highly underrated center) and Ricky Davis will make this team young and dangerous. Maybe not right away, in fact, definitely not right away, but in a couple years they will have dumped Ratliff's contract and hopefully Telfair as well and they will be ready to build something nice.

Garnett is a great player, sure, but the Wolves weren't going anywhere with him. Has anyone seen how fucking good Al Jefferson is/will be? He is one of the precious few inside forces in the league and he's really young. Gerald Green seems to be progressing from high-flying but generally otherwise useless player into an excellent all-around talent. Ryan Gomes is a nice piece too. He can hit the mid-range jumper and is a good rebounder for his size. I think Brewer could be really good player in the mold of Raja Bell but better offensively.

Telfair is garbage and he doesn't deserve to be in the league, but he had to be included. I hope he never sees a minute on the court. It would make me happy.

Opening night roser (probably) for the Wolves (age on opening night in parentheses):
PG-Marko Jaric (28)
SG-Randy Foye (24)
SF-Ricky Davis (28)
PF-Al Jefferson (22)
C-Mark Blount (31)

Bench (someone will have to be cut loose to make a correctly-sized roster)
Sebastian Telfair (22)
Corey Brewer (21)
Ryan Gomes (25)
Gerald Green (21)
Rashad McCants (23)
Juwan Howard (34)
Theo Ratliff (34)
Trenton Hassell (28)
Craig Smith (23)
Chris Richard (22)
(PG Troy Hudson was bought out by the Wolves today cuz he sucks)
(I left off Mark Madsen for very obvious reasons)

That lineup is good and very, very young. Throw in that they might get good players with those draft picks and I think the Wolves made out tremendously here.

The Celtics did a good job too because now they are at least relevant in the East. I saw a graphic yesterday that they now have three of the top seven active players with the most points without a title (Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett). I don't really buy that they are a title threat, but they will certainly be fun to watch.

I like it for the Cs, but I love it for the Wolves.


T'Wolves are a big winner today

Michael Vick loves dogs

Peanut - age 2 months


Peanut - age 3, after a bad performance

In case you didn't hear, dog lover Michael Vick pleaded not guilty to the charges against him today. He may be innocent. I mean I have dogs buried in my backyard too and I certainly have never killed one.

All kidding aside, these pictures are not the same dog (as far as I know) and Vick needs to be anally electrocuted for doing this. And yes, I have already convicted him. Some things are just obvious and need to be judged as so. A trial can only bring more O.J. Simpson shenanigans.

I used to like him but no more. I would respect him more if he killed a person, because most people are lame. You cannot do this to dogs.

Just in case you are on the fence, this is what he is "alleged" to have done:

"Dogs that didn't show enough fighting spirit, or lost matches, were put to death by methods that included shooting, drowning, hanging and electrocution, according to the indictment. Prosecutors allege that on one occasion earlier this year, Vick participated in killing eight dogs."

Dogs were also reportedly slammed to the ground until they died.

He does have some credibility to lean on at least. Ron Mexico has long been a clean-cut individual. Everyone carries around false water bottles with hidden weed-compartments, don't they?

Vick = class.

The NBA cheats

Weird, cuz I knew that five years ago. Tim Donaghy is rumored to be the NBA referee that has admitted to betting on games, including some he himself refereed. Well, never again can David Stern hide behind his infallable refs when charged with conspiracy. All those crazy theories about conspiracy and money-making schemes are now suddenly valid. I cannot remember if Donaghy was part of the uber-shenanigous (yeah, it's a word) Game 6, but I would not be surprised.

You know how players and coaches get fined a ridiculous amount of money for criticizing officials? Well, Stern was once asked why this is and his response was, "we don't want people questioning the integrity of officials. It just doesn't pay for us to do anything other than focus people on the game itself rather than the officiating."

But what happens when the officiating becomes the show? What happens when Scot Pollard and Vlade Divac foul out after literally not touching Shaq? What happens when Kobe hits Mike Bibby in the nose with an elbow, knocking him to the floor in plain sight of the blind, without a foul call? What happens when a team shoots 27 free throws in a quarter due to phantom calls ina game than ended in a four-point "win" for the undeserving team?

Sorry, Stern, but your officials' "integrity" just had its picture taken getting out of a car without its underwear on.

Back to my conpiracy charge, PTI's Michael Wilbon said the calls in game 6 were "stunningly incorrect." He added that "I have never seen officiating in a game of consequence as bad as that in Game 6."

David DuPree, who I believe is an absolute Lakers apologist even agreed, saying, "I've been covering the NBA for 30 years, and it's the poorest officiating in an important game I've ever seen."

So, every bad call we see from now on can be questioned if these charges indeed turn out to be true. Bad calls happen, but this development makes it so that every call can bring up the thoughts of unfair and blatantly misguided decisions. And worse yet, no one can discount them.


Never forget

John Hollinger is a fucking dumbass

ESPN's NBA "expert" John Hollinger has made his list of the 15 teams that have improved this offseason and the 15 that have gotten worse. Fine premise, monumentally better than that same entity's horrifyingly shitty Who's Now? garbage, but the execution of the premise left a lot to be desired.

You know who didn't improve themselves? The Kings. Yet this douche monkey has them in the half that got better. Tenth to be exact. Exactly how does adding Brad Miller's retarded protege and Mikki Moore make a team better? I await his formula for calling these additions quality ones.

The team that improved itself the most is apparently the Rockets for adding Mike James(...). Yeah, I mean it worked for the Timberwolves last year so I can see the point.

Number two: The Bobcats. Umm, this team without question hurt itself dramatically by trading Brandan Wright for broke-ass has-been Jason Richardson. What the hell is he THINKING!? (As I typed this a spider crawled across my computer screen. A clear sign of just how stupid this call is.)

Number four? You guessed it, the Knicks. Zach Randolph managed to get into trouble in PORTLAND, OREGON. But I think Hollinger's right, he won't be able to find anything unsavory to do in New York.

Those are the asinine picks in the 'improved' category. Now onto the 'got worse' category.

Nothing egregious until No. 18. That is where the Portland Trailblazers reside. Wow. One of two teams who dramatically and unquestionably improved themselves and they go at No. 18. Hollinger uses the "Yeah, but they won't be good this year" argument, but it's not about that is it? Were they good last year? No. Will they be more fun to watch this year? Yes.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand No. 30 AKA The Team That Got Worst Of All, The Sonics. The other one of the two teams that got uquestionably better. Yeah, Ray and Shard leaving will make them terrible next year, but again, the team that was there was impossibe to watch without shitting all over yourself. Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, Delonte West and Wally Szczgdfyhfjluhdocoygrobboerbiak are huge additions. I think West is a really underrated player and should start next year at PG. The Blazers and Sonics should have gone 1 and 2, while the Kings and Knicks should have gone 26th and 27th.

I usually disagree with Hollinger, as I have sent him numerous e-mails telling him I think he is full of poo. He never responds, cuz he's too smart to be questioned.

I want Gary Sheffield to die

"Sheffield says Torre treats black players differently from white players and says Jeter, who is from a mixed-race marriage, "ain't all the way black," during the interview with Andrea Kremer, as reported by Newsday."

You know, I want to walk up to Gary Sheffield and just say to is face, "I don't like you because you're black." Seeing as how he thinks everything is racist even when it clearly isn't, it would be interesting to see his reaction when faced with a real racist remark.

Would his head explode? Would he just burst into flame? Anyone else ever notice that he calls people racists by making racist statements? No one calls him on it...why? Jeter doesn't know what it's like to be on the receiving end of racism because he "ain't all the way black" huh? Yeah, mixed-race kids NEVER get picked on or have racism thrown at them.

Anyways, I just hope he dies.


Gary Sheffield on a Tigers off day

Kings off-season buzz

A lot is going on down in Vegas as far as the Kings are concerned.

1)Francisco Garcia apparently no longer looks like a recently tranquilized water fowl on the court, but I'll wait til I see it during regular season action to decide to hate him less.

2)Bibby looks like he's on the way out!!! Thank God. I used to love him because he was the only Kings player in the Sac era to ever resemble anything close to clutch. But then last year happened and he seemed to stop trying for large stretches of the season. I don't root for people who don't try. Keep Artest, dump Bibby.

Drew Gooden is rumored to be the acquired piece. Honestly I really like that deal. Gooden does one of the things that the Kings have always needed; rebound. He isn't a spectacular player, but good God. Had you seen how shitty the Kings were last year you would be clamoring for 12 points and 8 rebounds too. Our two power forwards (Kenny Thomas and Shareef Abdur-Rahim) basically got that between them.

3)Yiiiiiiiiiiii!!! Yi Jianlian doesn't want to play in Milwaukee and apparently is trying to get a trade to Sacramento. I would be so severely psyched if that happened. I'm sure any such deal would require we give up #10 pick Spencer Hawes as well as something else, but who cares? Hawes is Brad Miller redux and I'm not interested in that shit. It is time to embrace that the Kings are a rebuilding project and I am willing to let the 7-foot Chinaman progress as the team "refurbishes."

Projected starting lineups

Shitty lineup
Mike Bibby
Kevin Martin
Ron Artest
Kenny Thomas
Brad Miller
6th man - Shareef Abdur-Rahim

Refurbished lineup
Ronnie Price (or other if they pick one up)
Kevin Martin
Ron Artest
Yi Jianlian (or Gooden)
Brad Miller
6th man - Drew Gooden (or Yi)

God that would be great. They wouldn't win more than 30 games, but it would build towards a perhaps bright future.



Bring 'em on, Petrie.

A delicate conundrum

It seems like after losing nine straight All-Star games the NL would pull out all the stops to end the streak. Especially now with the horrible home field advantage rule. I would like to re-visit the tough call NL manager Tony La Russa had to make on Tuesday night.

The scenario:

Bottom of the 9th
2 outs
Down by 1
Bases jacked

So who do you bring in to at the very least tie the game?

Player A - .283 BA, 77 HRs, 301 RBI, .791 OPS (7-year career)
Player B - .330 BA, 266 HRs, 810 RBI, 1.037 OPS (7-year career)

I would choose B, but you know...it's a tough call.


BEWARE THE WRATH OF PU

A list...

Things I care about less than ESPN's mini-series "The Bronx is Burning":

-A cure for whatever kind of terrible form of cancer Skip Bayless inevitably gets
-ESPN's 'Who's Now?' horseshit
-Children
-Pedro Gomez following Barry Bonds around like a fucking dog
-The vast majority of today's popular music
-Kids
-Roger Clemens
-Young people
-Nothing

Derby O'Gill and the little people

After correctly picking Ryan Howard to win it last year, i have returned to prognosticate this year's winner.

Despite the fact that all the attention will be focused on the water in right field, SBC is a right-handed hitter's park. No lefties are going to hit homers to right center, commonly referred to as "Triples Alley".

Fearless forecast:

Pujols def. Howard in finals.

One person embarrasses himself every year by hitting one HR and it's usually a whitey:
1985 - Steve Garvey - 2, Ryne Sandberg - 2, Jack Clark - 2, Cal Ripken, Jr. - 1
1989 - Mickey Tettleton - 1, Gary Gaetti - 0
1991 - Chris Sabo - 0, Howard Johnson - 0
1993 - Mike Piazza - 0
1994 - Mike Piazza - 0
1996 - Jeff Bagwell - 2
1997 - Jim Thome - 0
1998 - Chipper Jones - 1
1999 - B. J. Surhoff - 2, Shawn Green - 2, Larry Walker - 2, John Jaha (!!!) - 1
2000 - Chipper Jones - 2
2001 - Todd Helton - 2, Troy Glaus - 0
2002 - Lance Berkman - 1, Alex Rodriguez - 2 (come on, A-Rod is whiter than me)
2003 - Richie Sexson - 1, Bret Boone - 0
2005 - Jason Bay - 0
2006 - Troy Glaus - 1

This year will be no exception. Enter Matt Holliday.

Joe Morgan should be shot in the face

LaDainian Tomlinson was in the booth for the third inning of a game on ESPN in San Diego and he was talking about his childhood idols. The following ensued:

Tomlinson - "I also idolized Emmitt Smith because I'm from Texas and I grew up a Cowboys fan."
Morgan - "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"

He also managed to slip in that Jim Brown is a "good friend of mine." Oh man, that's so awesome. Who else do you know???

Can we just go ahead and change the word 'quality' to 'Morgan'?


Tomlinson


Morgan

Hilarious videos

Girls can't do sound effects


Pussy spanking


Giraffe in quicksand


Wanking with mom


Very funny (if you saw the Sopranos series finale)


AYDS helped me lose weight!


The 300 Sandlot


Office Space as a thriller (FUCKING BRILLIANT!)


and finally...

FOCUS ON THE BOX!!!!




haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

A lost nugget

Today I found this list that I made two years ago. It is pretty funny if I do say so myself. Enjoy.



Bad Band Names:

Toiletbrush
Standard Length
Essence of Monkey
Fountains of Hezekiah
The Lovely Widgets
I Remember Phyllis
Penetrate Me, Phil
Tree Roots in the Plumbing of the Lord
Call Me If You're Not Busy
Hedge
Acid Screams
Grease Fire
Puzzles
Erik's River of cuCUMbers
I Only Fear Wolverines
Lonely and Obese
Fruitless Cherry Tree
Barry the Hairy Dairy Ferry
No Time For Pants
Only a Pervert When You're Near
Diabetes Twins
Gene Shalit, Is That You?
Penile Pustules
Liquor Panties {[(Think about it)]}
Explosive Gonorrhea
Jessie Gave Me Crabs
The Asian League
Plantar's Warts
Goatmeal
The Studebaker in My Mind
Pizza Is Too Expensive
Laundry List
The Desecrated Mausoleum
Fuck Me, I'm Bulgarian
Unemployed Mid-30s Warlock
The Stupid Valedictorians
Ever Done It With a Gay Guy?
Menstrual Meanderings
Raizinz
Punting on 3rd Down
You Will Not Like This Band
Apathetic Songwriters
Severed Torso
The Bludgeoning
Semi-Retarded Newscasters
Constipation Nation
Gerbil in my Nickers
Extreme Frontal Nudity
Lobotomy Necklace
Foil-Wrapped Mutton
Circumcision Gone Awry
Shortage of Chairs
$250 a Plate
The Near-Sighted Norwegians
Prometheus Douchebag
I'm Friends with Ashton Kutcher
The Annoying Relatives
Lingering Hallitosis
Addicted to the Golf Channel
Neutered Fertility Statue
Corporal Slippyfists
I Will Inject My Love Into You
Too Late for a Burial
Chunky Nut Butter
Fortune Shines on the Portley
Pilates for the Soul
Diary of Anne Stank
Extortion Chamber
Single White Yeti
Below Me, Johnny
Shrimp Business
Motorhome Ladies
The Fish Tank
Writing Through Mental Block
Cramped from Wanking
The French
Quilting Homos
Broken Hearing Aid
Milktown, USA
Overproductive Seminal Vessicles
Eating Through the Pain
I Don't Know You and I Don't Want To
My Your Farts Smell Terrific
Don't Blame Me, I Thought She Was a Guy


Good Band Names:

Bridge to Nowhere
9mm with Nothing to Lose
Misplaced Anger
Dark Luminescence
Milkmaid at the Teets of Humanity
Ex-Girlfriend
Inspired by Rage
Days of Rain
Subtraction by Addition
Platinum Vessel



Choose your favorites...

(sidenote-It's much harder to think of good band names)

Doppelgangers

Have you ever wondered what Andy Roddick and Noah Lowry have in common? I mean, other than being lame-ass douchebags. Well, they are, in fact, the same person...


Roddick or Lowry


Roddick or Lowry

Pretty good, that. However, nothing will ever compare to the frightening similarities between Adam Dunn and Will Ferrell.


Dunn, I think


Ferrell?

Goddammit that will never stop being funny.

Neifi Perez finally caught cheating

He has been suspended 25 games for testing positive for a banned stimulant.

It has been coming for a long time. In 2005 his head was all big and he exploded for 9 home runs and 54 RBI. That's a bigger increase than Barry Bonds ever encountered.

I mean, we do remember that Bonds was one of the 10 best players of all-time even before the steroids nonsense, don't we? It's just a shame that Neifi's greatness was born through a lab. How do the Hall of Fame voters react to this? Stay tuned.


Perez in 2004


Perez 2005-Present

Eric what!?!?!?

"With the blast, which followed a sixth-inning shot off Eric Stults, Jones moved past Dale Murphy on Atlanta's all-time list with 372 homers."

At first I thought it said the pitcher's name was Eric SLUTS. Dyslexia ruels.


Sluts, peering into your soul.

My these grapes are sour

"Mavericks owner Mark Cuban claims in an ongoing dispute with his former coach that Don Nelson used "confidential information" to help the Golden State Warriors pull off a stunning first-round playoff victory."

Umm, since when does making 62 three-pointers and winning by 12, 18 and 25 constitute cheating? Maybe it was your 'MVP' averaging 19.7 ppg and choking just as hard as he did last year against the Heat in the Finals.

I am well aware that playoff shenanigans take place, what with the NBA conspiring against my Kings in 2002 and stuff. However, other than a cash grab scenario like that was, this is just stupid.

What is 'confidential information'? Did he know that Dirk is allergic to shellfish and then have a ballboy squirt crab juice into his gatorade? Maybe he knows that Jerry Stackhouse is in fact not a man, but instead the leader of the bat people of Southern Romania and found some way to exploit that. I don't know.



Jerry Stackhouse

Anyways, Cuban has found a way to make himself look even more foolish and lame. Bravo!

I hate Warriors fans, but this picture is just classic given this obscene new turn...