...is silly and I just felt like writing a stupid little story, but seriously. How do you get a save in a 30-3 game?
That's like giving me a medal of heroism because I shot a baby who was holding a knife.
Anyways I'm back and hopefully I'll be writing more now that I am feeling better.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Hoffman's Rearview
It began on Wednesday, August 22, 2007. The day when the stars aligned.
Texas Rangers reliever Wes Littleton (then 0-1 with a 4.28 ERA in 18 appearances) awoke to a day like any other. He got to the ballpark two hours early for the first game of a doubleheader against the Orioles at Camden Yards. He warmed up with some long toss, exchanged jokes with Jarrod Saltalajdbvhbjkbksbkhbvbkbvkhdhougmacchia, ate some tropical flavor Skittles in the clubhouse and got ready to take his seat in the outfield bullpen.
After the Rangers scored five times in the fourth inning to take a 5-3 lead Littleton grew anxious as it looked like he might perhaps pitch two-thirds of an inning in the sixth and add an all-important hold to his resume. But then it happened. Littleton, who hadn't pitched since the 16th against Kansas City, was suddenly thrust into the closer role.
You see, the Rangers had managed to squeak out a 14-3 lead after a nine-run sixth. There he stood with his warm-up jacket swaying majestically in the breeze. Fellow relievers Joaquin Benoit and C.J. Wilson glanced at him as he rose from the bench as children would stare at a tree bloated with presents on Christmas morning.
The game was his to save.
Women fainted in the aisles, men felt their penises decrease in size when faced with such unbridled heroism and servicemen and women stood and saluted with tears streaming their faces. For this was what they signed up to protect.
As if possessed by an otherworldly force, Littleton sat down the Orioles in order in the 7th inning. No one talked to him in the dugout. There was too much to lose by jinxing him now.
The Rangers helped him out with 10 runs in the 8th, making the score a slightly more comfortable 24-3. The fans could feel it now.
The first batter in the bottom of the 8th, Tike Redman, laced a single to centerfield and the defense visibly tensed, the ballpark fell silent and Littleton was left alone to deal with this impossibly gut-wrenching scenario. He was on an island. There was no one warming up in the bullpen. Manager Ron Washington gave him the ball and it was his to win or no one's.
Freddie Bynum grounded out, Redman thrown out at second. Miguel Tejada momentarily stopped the hearts of all in attendance with a deep drive to center...caught!!! It was his day. It had to be.
Kevin Millar singled to right. There were two on now. It is rumored that former Ranger Mark Teixeira called the front office at this time, sobbing, and begged to come back. There is nothing in Atlanta for him to compare to this. Despite threatening suicide they declined, saying that the trade is partially what made this a reality.
Melvin Mora walked. Bases loaded. There wasn't a dry seat in the house.
Standing in the way of history was the always dangerous J.R. House. They say he once hit a ball so hard in AAA that it went completely over the second baseman's head. The story was not lost on Littleton. He stepped off the mound, crouched down, kissed the cross that hung around his neck and breathed deeply before striding intimidatingly towards the rubber.
Historic lore or no historic lore, Littleton induced a fielder's choice out from House. As he walked off the field, House nodded in Littleton's direction as if to say, "Surely I am not that."
Six more Texas runs in the top of the 9th made the game 30-3. Chances were good that he would finish out the game with the lead still intact.
Ramon Hernandez swung at strike three like a retarded minnow to start the ninth. Jay Payton grounded out to set up the ultimate duel with Brian Roberts.
Women's panties blanketed the areas between the dugouts and the baselines. People cried as they tore up pictures of Cal Ripken, Jr. and Brooks Robinson. Their day as Baltimore baseball heroes had passed and the Littleton era had arrived.
When Roberts grounded out to end the game Littleton was immediately voted into the Hall of Fame with 100 percent of the vote, the first person ever to do that. Later on Baseball Tonight Tim Kurkjian spent 26 and a half minutes listing his accomplishments before finally exhaling deliberately and pronouncing that Littleton "once took down a bull elephant with a Chile Picante Corn Nut."
The box score reads "S-Littleton (1)". But those who witnessed it along with those who are reading about it now will remember it as much more.
The new permanent Sports Illustrated cover
Texas Rangers reliever Wes Littleton (then 0-1 with a 4.28 ERA in 18 appearances) awoke to a day like any other. He got to the ballpark two hours early for the first game of a doubleheader against the Orioles at Camden Yards. He warmed up with some long toss, exchanged jokes with Jarrod Saltalajdbvhbjkbksbkhbvbkbvkhdhougmacchia, ate some tropical flavor Skittles in the clubhouse and got ready to take his seat in the outfield bullpen.
After the Rangers scored five times in the fourth inning to take a 5-3 lead Littleton grew anxious as it looked like he might perhaps pitch two-thirds of an inning in the sixth and add an all-important hold to his resume. But then it happened. Littleton, who hadn't pitched since the 16th against Kansas City, was suddenly thrust into the closer role.
You see, the Rangers had managed to squeak out a 14-3 lead after a nine-run sixth. There he stood with his warm-up jacket swaying majestically in the breeze. Fellow relievers Joaquin Benoit and C.J. Wilson glanced at him as he rose from the bench as children would stare at a tree bloated with presents on Christmas morning.
The game was his to save.
Women fainted in the aisles, men felt their penises decrease in size when faced with such unbridled heroism and servicemen and women stood and saluted with tears streaming their faces. For this was what they signed up to protect.
As if possessed by an otherworldly force, Littleton sat down the Orioles in order in the 7th inning. No one talked to him in the dugout. There was too much to lose by jinxing him now.
The Rangers helped him out with 10 runs in the 8th, making the score a slightly more comfortable 24-3. The fans could feel it now.
The first batter in the bottom of the 8th, Tike Redman, laced a single to centerfield and the defense visibly tensed, the ballpark fell silent and Littleton was left alone to deal with this impossibly gut-wrenching scenario. He was on an island. There was no one warming up in the bullpen. Manager Ron Washington gave him the ball and it was his to win or no one's.
Freddie Bynum grounded out, Redman thrown out at second. Miguel Tejada momentarily stopped the hearts of all in attendance with a deep drive to center...caught!!! It was his day. It had to be.
Kevin Millar singled to right. There were two on now. It is rumored that former Ranger Mark Teixeira called the front office at this time, sobbing, and begged to come back. There is nothing in Atlanta for him to compare to this. Despite threatening suicide they declined, saying that the trade is partially what made this a reality.
Melvin Mora walked. Bases loaded. There wasn't a dry seat in the house.
Standing in the way of history was the always dangerous J.R. House. They say he once hit a ball so hard in AAA that it went completely over the second baseman's head. The story was not lost on Littleton. He stepped off the mound, crouched down, kissed the cross that hung around his neck and breathed deeply before striding intimidatingly towards the rubber.
Historic lore or no historic lore, Littleton induced a fielder's choice out from House. As he walked off the field, House nodded in Littleton's direction as if to say, "Surely I am not that."
Six more Texas runs in the top of the 9th made the game 30-3. Chances were good that he would finish out the game with the lead still intact.
Ramon Hernandez swung at strike three like a retarded minnow to start the ninth. Jay Payton grounded out to set up the ultimate duel with Brian Roberts.
Women's panties blanketed the areas between the dugouts and the baselines. People cried as they tore up pictures of Cal Ripken, Jr. and Brooks Robinson. Their day as Baltimore baseball heroes had passed and the Littleton era had arrived.
When Roberts grounded out to end the game Littleton was immediately voted into the Hall of Fame with 100 percent of the vote, the first person ever to do that. Later on Baseball Tonight Tim Kurkjian spent 26 and a half minutes listing his accomplishments before finally exhaling deliberately and pronouncing that Littleton "once took down a bull elephant with a Chile Picante Corn Nut."
The box score reads "S-Littleton (1)". But those who witnessed it along with those who are reading about it now will remember it as much more.
The new permanent Sports Illustrated cover
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Re-visiting my hit and miss MLB predictions
Below is a prediction sheet I did in March for the 2007 season. Some of it, as you will see, proves I am the world's foremost baseball genius. Other parts, however, will leave you wondering if I have a single reasonable thought in my head. (Things in parentheses denote new comments)
AL
East - Ummmmmmmmm, have you SEEN the Spankees' staff? Carl Pavano is the opening day starter. Nuff said. If they have a chance then 'Broken Wang' will have to win 19 games again...he won't. Also, Beckett cannot possibly be as bad as he was last year again. He was hurt all season and should have an ERA hovering around 4, not 5. (Well I got this one completely right. Yankees starters are as solid as poo after eating bad fish. I was right about Beckett...sort of. He HAS been better, just much better than I predicted).
Winner - Red Sox
Central - I would have picked the Twins a week ago, buuuuuuuuuuut that was before they named Carlos Silva as the No. 5 starter over Matt Garza, who had a 1 ERA in the spring and is maybe the best arm in the minor leagues (this includes you, Phil Hughes). This is an easy pick despite it being by far the toughest division in baseball. Jeremy Bonderman will win the Cy this year. Watch. (Umm, when he started the season 10-0 it looked possible, but Bondy has been just awful recently and he has 0 chance of winning the Cy. I am stupid).
Winner - Tigers (They still have a chance and I think both they and CLE will make it).
West - The Angels have a better lineup than the A's and an equally impressive pitching staff. Lackey, Colon (if healthy), Santana is about as good as Haren, Harden (if healthy) and Blanton. If, however, Harden IS healthy, the A's win the division running away because he is spectacular. The Angels' bullpen is great and their lineup is strong, so I fear them a bit, but not enough to commit to lunacy. (Well, Harden is Kerry Wood, which is fun for A's fans everywhere. Angels win running away. Hurrah).
Winner - A's (poop).
Wild Card - Ima go WAY out on a limb and go with a team with all the talent in the world but just never get it together in any meaningful way. Unless you consider an occasional 82-win season meaningful. Great lineup, suspect staff, suspect (at best) pen, but still, the lineup is ungodly. (Who's a fucking genius? It's me.)
Winner - Indians (Either CLE or DET here as above with the Central).
NL
East - Everyone picks the Mets, but yeah, like the Yankees they have no pitching at all. Glavine is 96 and is their opening day starter. Sorry, that just sucks. If Pedro comes back at all this year and is Pedro they have a chance, but no. This staff reminds me of the last shit I took on enchilada night. I'll go with a staff that has a wife beater and some douche with a name that sounds like 'Camels'.
Winner - Phillies (still technically possible, but they will have to try for the Wild Card first and foremost).
Central - Cards. NEXT! (Cards are still in it, thanks to the hilariously unlikely resurgence of Rich Ankiel. I doubt they will pull it out, but, possible).
West - Barry Zito was not worth half the money he got and you will see why in May when he has a 7 ERA and a 3-6 record. Unlike the A's, the Giants don't have a comeback instinct to make up for shittiness of such a magnitude. I hate everything about LA, but come on. What they did to that team cannot be ignored. (HAHAHAHA. Zito is just terrible).
Winner - Dodgers (Dodgers teetering between 3rd and 4th in the West but they could still win. I hope they don't tho. I hate them).
Wild Card - I really like a team that has not won in, well, ever. They have an absurd young infield and a good staff led by a guy with superhumanly nasty stuff. It may seem off the wall, but...
Winner - Brewers (Everyone owes me a coke for this prediction. I think they'll still win the Central, but predicting a playoff spot alone gets me genius points).
World Series - Tigers over Dodgers (Still possible also, but both might miss playoffs. Not good for me if that happens).
Awards:
MVPs - Pujols, Sizemore (Pujols is having just an OK season by his standards, MVP is out for him. Prince Fielder deserves it. As for Sizemore, it's not that he doesn't deserve it, it's just that A-Rod and Magglio deserve it more).
Cys - Carpenter, Bonderman (Carpenter has pitched two innings all year and is done til August...next year, and Bonderman has been recent poo. Josh Beckett and Brandon Webb probably deserve it. Dan Haren deserves it, but the A's suck. Webb might be the most under-the-radar two-time Cy winner of all-time if he wins it).
Check back on Oct. 2 to see how I did.
AL
East - Ummmmmmmmm, have you SEEN the Spankees' staff? Carl Pavano is the opening day starter. Nuff said. If they have a chance then 'Broken Wang' will have to win 19 games again...he won't. Also, Beckett cannot possibly be as bad as he was last year again. He was hurt all season and should have an ERA hovering around 4, not 5. (Well I got this one completely right. Yankees starters are as solid as poo after eating bad fish. I was right about Beckett...sort of. He HAS been better, just much better than I predicted).
Winner - Red Sox
Central - I would have picked the Twins a week ago, buuuuuuuuuuut that was before they named Carlos Silva as the No. 5 starter over Matt Garza, who had a 1 ERA in the spring and is maybe the best arm in the minor leagues (this includes you, Phil Hughes). This is an easy pick despite it being by far the toughest division in baseball. Jeremy Bonderman will win the Cy this year. Watch. (Umm, when he started the season 10-0 it looked possible, but Bondy has been just awful recently and he has 0 chance of winning the Cy. I am stupid).
Winner - Tigers (They still have a chance and I think both they and CLE will make it).
West - The Angels have a better lineup than the A's and an equally impressive pitching staff. Lackey, Colon (if healthy), Santana is about as good as Haren, Harden (if healthy) and Blanton. If, however, Harden IS healthy, the A's win the division running away because he is spectacular. The Angels' bullpen is great and their lineup is strong, so I fear them a bit, but not enough to commit to lunacy. (Well, Harden is Kerry Wood, which is fun for A's fans everywhere. Angels win running away. Hurrah).
Winner - A's (poop).
Wild Card - Ima go WAY out on a limb and go with a team with all the talent in the world but just never get it together in any meaningful way. Unless you consider an occasional 82-win season meaningful. Great lineup, suspect staff, suspect (at best) pen, but still, the lineup is ungodly. (Who's a fucking genius? It's me.)
Winner - Indians (Either CLE or DET here as above with the Central).
NL
East - Everyone picks the Mets, but yeah, like the Yankees they have no pitching at all. Glavine is 96 and is their opening day starter. Sorry, that just sucks. If Pedro comes back at all this year and is Pedro they have a chance, but no. This staff reminds me of the last shit I took on enchilada night. I'll go with a staff that has a wife beater and some douche with a name that sounds like 'Camels'.
Winner - Phillies (still technically possible, but they will have to try for the Wild Card first and foremost).
Central - Cards. NEXT! (Cards are still in it, thanks to the hilariously unlikely resurgence of Rich Ankiel. I doubt they will pull it out, but, possible).
West - Barry Zito was not worth half the money he got and you will see why in May when he has a 7 ERA and a 3-6 record. Unlike the A's, the Giants don't have a comeback instinct to make up for shittiness of such a magnitude. I hate everything about LA, but come on. What they did to that team cannot be ignored. (HAHAHAHA. Zito is just terrible).
Winner - Dodgers (Dodgers teetering between 3rd and 4th in the West but they could still win. I hope they don't tho. I hate them).
Wild Card - I really like a team that has not won in, well, ever. They have an absurd young infield and a good staff led by a guy with superhumanly nasty stuff. It may seem off the wall, but...
Winner - Brewers (Everyone owes me a coke for this prediction. I think they'll still win the Central, but predicting a playoff spot alone gets me genius points).
World Series - Tigers over Dodgers (Still possible also, but both might miss playoffs. Not good for me if that happens).
Awards:
MVPs - Pujols, Sizemore (Pujols is having just an OK season by his standards, MVP is out for him. Prince Fielder deserves it. As for Sizemore, it's not that he doesn't deserve it, it's just that A-Rod and Magglio deserve it more).
Cys - Carpenter, Bonderman (Carpenter has pitched two innings all year and is done til August...next year, and Bonderman has been recent poo. Josh Beckett and Brandon Webb probably deserve it. Dan Haren deserves it, but the A's suck. Webb might be the most under-the-radar two-time Cy winner of all-time if he wins it).
Check back on Oct. 2 to see how I did.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
A Penny for your broke-ass?
In what can only be described as the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, 2007 has been instantaneously changed into 1994. How else can you explain the Miami Heat signing Penny Hardaway?
Boy, that Finals run the Magic made in 1995 with Shaq and Penny at the helm was great, wasn't it? So why not try it again with both being old, broken and shitty?
The Heat just keep on adding otherworldly talent to what just 12 months ago was known as "The Worst Team to Win a Championship in Professional Sports History."
In the words of Peter Griffin: WHOA, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...whoa. You mean to tell me that Joel Anthony, Michael Doleac, Smush Parker, Chris Quinn, Jeremy Richardson, Marcus Slaughter, Antoine Walker, Penny hardaway AND Dorell Wright now share the same locker room? I haven't seen a more heavenly meeting of souls since the internet leaked the Rosie O'Donnell-DJ Qualls sex tape.
Classy, not at all the real-life Leatherface, Pat Riley said of the move, "Penny is a player who has been an All-Star and has enjoyed an illustrious career."
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. You know who else used to be an All-Star? Reggie Lewis. He, too, isn't producing much these days.
Yes, that was a bit offsides, but you laughed, so you can deal with hating yourselves instead of me.
I still think it's just an excuse to make "Blue Chips 2." The only thing holding it up is the fact that Nick Nolte is busy trying to drink away his performance in "Hulk."
Boy, that Finals run the Magic made in 1995 with Shaq and Penny at the helm was great, wasn't it? So why not try it again with both being old, broken and shitty?
The Heat just keep on adding otherworldly talent to what just 12 months ago was known as "The Worst Team to Win a Championship in Professional Sports History."
In the words of Peter Griffin: WHOA, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...whoa. You mean to tell me that Joel Anthony, Michael Doleac, Smush Parker, Chris Quinn, Jeremy Richardson, Marcus Slaughter, Antoine Walker, Penny hardaway AND Dorell Wright now share the same locker room? I haven't seen a more heavenly meeting of souls since the internet leaked the Rosie O'Donnell-DJ Qualls sex tape.
Classy, not at all the real-life Leatherface, Pat Riley said of the move, "Penny is a player who has been an All-Star and has enjoyed an illustrious career."
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. You know who else used to be an All-Star? Reggie Lewis. He, too, isn't producing much these days.
Yes, that was a bit offsides, but you laughed, so you can deal with hating yourselves instead of me.
I still think it's just an excuse to make "Blue Chips 2." The only thing holding it up is the fact that Nick Nolte is busy trying to drink away his performance in "Hulk."
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
On my own Pre-Cognizance
Barry Bonds has been going about nine games between homers lately as the scrutiny has caused him to break out in forehead rashes (!!!) and generally just fucked him up at the plate. Last night he swung so hard at a John Lannan fastball that he was buried up to his ankles afterwards.
However, the record* 756th homer will come tonight, as predicted by my highly scientific approach.
Tonight Bonds will face a pitcher named Mike Bacsik. Yeah, you can already see that name in the record book can't you?
Here's a list of some of the victimized pitchers from legendary home runs past:
Babe Ruth's 500th - Willis Hudlin
Babe Ruth's 600th - George Blaeholder
Babe Ruth's Called Shot - Charlie Root
Babe Ruth's 700th - Tommy Bridges
Babe Ruth's 714th - Guy Bush (!!!!!!!!)
Bobby Thompson's pennant-winning (THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT!!!!!!!) homer - Ralph Branca
Bill Mazeroski's walk-off in the 1960 WS - Ralph Terry
Willie Mays' 600th - Mike Corkins
Hank Aaron's 715th - Al Downing
Hank Aaron's 755th - Dick "I must break you" Drago
Carlton Fisk's "Stay Fair" WS Game 6 homer - Pat Darcy
Barry Bonds' 73rd in 2001 - Dennis Springer
Barry Bonds' 756th - Mike Bacsik
Doesn't it just fit?
I mean, Al Downing was a pretty good pitcher, but the rest of these guys...who the fuck is Guy Bush!? Incidentally, I may have infringed on his name by accident, what with all the porn I produced under that pseudonym.
But there it is, my fearless forecast. My undeniable moxie. My Bacsik instinct. Woot.
Plus, he looks like he deserves to be victimized
However, the record* 756th homer will come tonight, as predicted by my highly scientific approach.
Tonight Bonds will face a pitcher named Mike Bacsik. Yeah, you can already see that name in the record book can't you?
Here's a list of some of the victimized pitchers from legendary home runs past:
Babe Ruth's 500th - Willis Hudlin
Babe Ruth's 600th - George Blaeholder
Babe Ruth's Called Shot - Charlie Root
Babe Ruth's 700th - Tommy Bridges
Babe Ruth's 714th - Guy Bush (!!!!!!!!)
Bobby Thompson's pennant-winning (THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT!!!!!!!) homer - Ralph Branca
Bill Mazeroski's walk-off in the 1960 WS - Ralph Terry
Willie Mays' 600th - Mike Corkins
Hank Aaron's 715th - Al Downing
Hank Aaron's 755th - Dick "I must break you" Drago
Carlton Fisk's "Stay Fair" WS Game 6 homer - Pat Darcy
Barry Bonds' 73rd in 2001 - Dennis Springer
Barry Bonds' 756th - Mike Bacsik
Doesn't it just fit?
I mean, Al Downing was a pretty good pitcher, but the rest of these guys...who the fuck is Guy Bush!? Incidentally, I may have infringed on his name by accident, what with all the porn I produced under that pseudonym.
But there it is, my fearless forecast. My undeniable moxie. My Bacsik instinct. Woot.
Plus, he looks like he deserves to be victimized
Monday, August 6, 2007
Jim Rome still Burning, treatments fail
Seemingly lost in the annals of great television moments is the hilarious brush-up between a young Jim Rome and Jim Everett when Rome continually referred to Everett as "Chris."
Everett: "You probably won't say it again."
Rome: "I bet I do...Chris."
(Everett tackles Rome out of his chair)
He quickly found his way into the hearts of many sports fans after that. You have to admit that it's quite a nice little piece of media.
Shortly after that, though, a slight tingling sensation developed during urination. The tingling didn't stop him from getting his own five-day-a-week sports talk show on the heels of his Everett diss.
But soon the tingling turned to a full-on assault on his urethra. "It burns," he'd shout as his exit route turned beet red and chapped like the dirt floor of a desert canyon.
The feeling began to permeate his professional life. He went off on long tangents at the beginning of his show, exhibiting an intensely comical bias for Southern California sports and making fun of everyone who refused to come on his show.
He grew deliriously excited when someone agreed to do the show, prompting him to pop off with schmaltzy, hyper-poetic soliloquies that lasted as long as a full minute to promote the guest. He once went so far as to call then-Anaheim Angel David Eckstein "the greatest American since Lincoln."
Creams and shots and laser treatments did nothing to treat the burning and his anger towards the athletes that refused to appear. Tiger Woods refused to appear and shortly after Rome referred to him as a cold, robotic winning machine.
He even incorporated the now legendary penis problem into his act. To open he states: "But first, here's what I'm burning on..." He then ends the show with his "Final Burn."
Unfortunately for this joke of a man there has been no finality to the burning. Each day he grows more rank and despicable as he lauds Takashi Saito and slams those who rebuke him. Even now, as I write this, he mentioned Gilbert Arenas because he gave Rome a shout-out in his latest blog.
The days of glorious moments are gone, and all that is left is a sad little man with sand in his peter. They say at midnight, if you listen really hard, you can hear him trying to flick the last drop out of his dried-up, sandpaper pajama shark.
Everett: "You probably won't say it again."
Rome: "I bet I do...Chris."
(Everett tackles Rome out of his chair)
He quickly found his way into the hearts of many sports fans after that. You have to admit that it's quite a nice little piece of media.
Shortly after that, though, a slight tingling sensation developed during urination. The tingling didn't stop him from getting his own five-day-a-week sports talk show on the heels of his Everett diss.
But soon the tingling turned to a full-on assault on his urethra. "It burns," he'd shout as his exit route turned beet red and chapped like the dirt floor of a desert canyon.
The feeling began to permeate his professional life. He went off on long tangents at the beginning of his show, exhibiting an intensely comical bias for Southern California sports and making fun of everyone who refused to come on his show.
He grew deliriously excited when someone agreed to do the show, prompting him to pop off with schmaltzy, hyper-poetic soliloquies that lasted as long as a full minute to promote the guest. He once went so far as to call then-Anaheim Angel David Eckstein "the greatest American since Lincoln."
Creams and shots and laser treatments did nothing to treat the burning and his anger towards the athletes that refused to appear. Tiger Woods refused to appear and shortly after Rome referred to him as a cold, robotic winning machine.
He even incorporated the now legendary penis problem into his act. To open he states: "But first, here's what I'm burning on..." He then ends the show with his "Final Burn."
Unfortunately for this joke of a man there has been no finality to the burning. Each day he grows more rank and despicable as he lauds Takashi Saito and slams those who rebuke him. Even now, as I write this, he mentioned Gilbert Arenas because he gave Rome a shout-out in his latest blog.
The days of glorious moments are gone, and all that is left is a sad little man with sand in his peter. They say at midnight, if you listen really hard, you can hear him trying to flick the last drop out of his dried-up, sandpaper pajama shark.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Neifi Perez just keeps on cheating
It was announced today that beastly slugger Neifi Perez tested positive for a banned stimulant for the third time. On July 6 Perez was suspended for 25 games for his second offense, but this time he will be out for 80 games.
The news just keeps getting worse for the Tigers, losers of eight of their last 10. The 25-gamer was set to end on Friday with the suddenly struggling Tigers slobbering all over Perez's Willis Reed-like return.
But now, a disillusioned franchise must deal with another blow in the midst of its first rough stretch of the season.
"It just kind of makes you sick," third baseman Brandon Inge said. "It's gonna be hard to make up for his two hits per month."
Starting pitcher Justin Verlander, tears streaking his face, wailed "God doesn't exist."
To make up for Perez's .172 average and six RBIs, general manager Dave Dombrowski plans to tape a bat to the hands of a kinkajou in hopes of sparking a resurgence.
"Fucking sweet," sobbed the normally stoic Jim Leyland.
The Past
The Future
The news just keeps getting worse for the Tigers, losers of eight of their last 10. The 25-gamer was set to end on Friday with the suddenly struggling Tigers slobbering all over Perez's Willis Reed-like return.
But now, a disillusioned franchise must deal with another blow in the midst of its first rough stretch of the season.
"It just kind of makes you sick," third baseman Brandon Inge said. "It's gonna be hard to make up for his two hits per month."
Starting pitcher Justin Verlander, tears streaking his face, wailed "God doesn't exist."
To make up for Perez's .172 average and six RBIs, general manager Dave Dombrowski plans to tape a bat to the hands of a kinkajou in hopes of sparking a resurgence.
"Fucking sweet," sobbed the normally stoic Jim Leyland.
The Past
The Future
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