Neifi Perez just keeps on cheating

It was announced today that beastly slugger Neifi Perez tested positive for a banned stimulant for the third time. On July 6 Perez was suspended for 25 games for his second offense, but this time he will be out for 80 games.

The news just keeps getting worse for the Tigers, losers of eight of their last 10. The 25-gamer was set to end on Friday with the suddenly struggling Tigers slobbering all over Perez's Willis Reed-like return.

But now, a disillusioned franchise must deal with another blow in the midst of its first rough stretch of the season.

"It just kind of makes you sick," third baseman Brandon Inge said. "It's gonna be hard to make up for his two hits per month."

Starting pitcher Justin Verlander, tears streaking his face, wailed "God doesn't exist."

To make up for Perez's .172 average and six RBIs, general manager Dave Dombrowski plans to tape a bat to the hands of a kinkajou in hopes of sparking a resurgence.

"Fucking sweet," sobbed the normally stoic Jim Leyland.


The Past


The Future