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NBA Preview

If I've learned one thing in my life as a journalist, it's that timeliness is everything. And with that, I give you my 2007-08 NBA Preview!!!

I had these written out and ready to blog on Oct. 27, then I lost said paper, then found it this morning. WEEEEEEEE!

Eastern Conference (top 8)

1) (55-27)
A lot has been said about the Celtics and the Big 3, but I am not as optimistic as some others. Yes, they are a shoe-in for the playoffs, but when have Garnett, Pierce OR Allen ever made a meaningful run in the playoffs that makes people think they can suddenly win it all? I'll go with the boring, steady former champs, thanks.

2) (53-29)
They go here by default because of how terrible the East is. They have already impressed me with their 7-0 start, but I don't care about regular season stuff. Pierce and Allen have injuries in their past(s) and at some point somebody's getting hurt and all the sudden Eddie House is starting. Not good. They could win the East...but not the title.

3) (50-32)
OK, so this prediction isn't looking good early. I didn't know Arenas' knee was as bad as it is and I certainly didn't expect him to ask to play less because of it. In the end I think they'll be there, though perhaps not in this spot. Arenas is in his walk year, so I don't buy this 'sit me down' stuff.

4) (52-30)
Soooooooooo, yeah. I predicted this before Kobe-gate and the entire team playing like tired little squirrels. Ben Wallace is becoming frighteningly old before our eyes and is proving he wasn't worth that giant contract he got. I still like their chances of finishing strong so long as they don't trade for Kobe. Why would getting him make them good? Are the Lakers good?

5) (48-34)
They've gotten off to a bit of a sluggish start and I don't know how bad Bosh's knee is. If it's bad, they miss the playoffs, but if he is reasonably healthy they will make the playoffs without much struggle. They are like the mini-Suns. They have a Colangelo in charge, a kick-ass big man (Bosh), an assist donkey at point (Ford), three-point shooters galore (Parker, Bargnani, Kapono, Garbajosa) and a 'shoot it in four seconds or Ima brain you' approach. I enjoy watching them.

6) (46-36)
This team is as exciting as a Roger Ebert/Keanu Reeves porno. I simply hate watching them plod along and score 72 points with far too high a frequency. LeBron is magical to watch and I hope he gets away from his god awful team before long. The Cavs are like the Spurs in that they're boring, but not like the Spurs in that they suck. At least they played in the Finals last year.

7) (44-38)
They have started off much stronger than I expected and look like a stone-cold lock to finish higher than this. If Dwight Howard can improve at the line and shoot just 70% (which isn't a ridiculous task) this team is all the sudden a force in this crappy conference. No one in the East can match up with Howard and he is perhaps just a year or two away from carrying his team to the Finals.

8) (42-40)
I think they just sneak in ahead of surprising teams like Atlanta and Charlotte. Yi is apparently not as big of a stiff as I thought he would be this year and he is with a solid group of players. This team's downfall, as has been a problem for everyone except for the 1990s Bulls, is that their SG is their best player. Nothing good can come of this. If you want to win a title, your best player must be a PF or C. That's it. I love Michael Redd, but this team is forever an eight seed until they get a dominant big man for him.

Notice that the Heat are not listed above. That is no mistake. They are simply stunningly bad and will not make the playoffs. Not even if Wade is Wade.

Tomorrow: Western Conference Preview
Saturday: Playoff Picks

David Stern is consistent

Stern decided yesterday that he will not discipline the more than 50% of NBA referees who were found to have gambled in casinos. The rule states that NBA refs cannot go to casinos or bet on ANY sporting events. The refs in question are rumored to have bet on golf and football, but Stern called the rule "too harsh" and let them skate in the aftermath of Tim Donaghy's NBA betting scandal.

Umm, one word comes to mind: David Stern is balls.

While we're on the subject of terrible rules, hey, how about the leaving the bench rule after a fight? Amare Stoudemire wants to know why there was no stepping in as the commish handed the title to the Spurs after Amare took one step onto the court after Robert Horry threw a dirty elbow at Steve Nash that sent him flying into the scorer's table. I think we all deserve an explanation too.

Stern basically said "the rule is the rule, sooooooo, he needs to be suspended."

Here's to consistency!!!


Stern, after successful turkey-chin reduction surgery

Tony Kornheiser asks a question...

"Have the Red Sox fans gone from being sympathetic figures to an insufferable mass?"

Umm, when were they NOT insufferable shit babies?

This "woe-is-me, the Yankees are the Evil Empire even though we spend way more than everyone else does also, Bill Buckner-hating, chowduh eating, fucking inbred retarded accent speaking, now we're the shit because our team wins" shit has been old for oh, about the last 89 years.

You know what? Your team was done in by its own shitty play. Bucky, Buckner, Boone, Babe, all that shit was caused by your team's own stupidity/choking. You don't know what it's like to have something you won pulled away from you. You lost on the field. There were no phantom calls that deprived you of a World Series all those years. Blame your owner for selling Babe Ruth to finance 'No No Nanette' you fucking lifeless gas bags. Scream bloody murder at your borderline Hall of Fame first baseman because he made an error in a big game. Seems to me you had a lead in game 7 in '86. Didn't you? Huh?

Shut the fuck up already. Those Yankees you hate so much just to the south, you know what? People hate you more now. Your team spends out its ass to buy a championship just like the Yankees do. You know what the most obscene contract ever was before A-Rod's? It was Manny's. Stop crying, stop pretending that anyone cares about your plight and go ahead and enjoy your success while it happens, because nothing will make baseball fans happier than when you suck again.

Fuck the Yankees, fuck Steinbrenner, fuck Yankees fans, sure. But fuck you all even more. Peace.


Even babies hate you

Week 6 Rundown

In honor of the tremendous importance of naming week 6 games, here is a scoreboard of today's titanic clashes.

The Duel in Dallas
Patriots - 48
Cowboys - 27

The Comma Splice in Chicago
Vikings - 34
Bears - 31

The Clambake in Cleveland
Dolphins - 31
Browns - 41

The Genocidal Gassing in Green Bay
Redskins - 14
Packers - 17

The Klan Rally in Kansas City
Bengals - 20
Chiefs - 27

Noah Jacobsen's Bar Mitzvah in New Jersey
Eagles - 16
Jets - 9

The Tit Fondling in Tampa Bay
Titans - 10
Buccaneers - 13

The Japanese Barbecue in Jacksonville
Texans - 17
Jaguars - 37

The Baby Shower in Baltimore
Rams - 3
Ravens - 22

The Aroma of Cheese in Arizona
Panthers - 25
Cardinals - 10

The Sausage Fest in San Diego
Raiders - 14
Chargers - 28

I'll have updates tomorrow on Sodomy in Seattle and Ass to Mouth in Atlanta.

Postseason Picks

Nothing too in depth here, just giving my opinions on who will come out on top in the 2007 playoffs.

NLDS
Phillies over Rockies in 5
Cubs over Diamondbacks in 5

NLCS
Phillies over Cubs in 6

ALDS
Indians over Yankees in 5
Red Sox over Angels in 4

ALCS
Indians over Red Sox in 7

WS
Indians over Phillies in 6


The INDIANS!?!?!? You know what, I think you heard me.


Chief Wahoo is a bad mamma jamma

I would have done more logic-based analysis of the matchups but I forgot to do it yesterday. So here are my picks with no explanation. ENJOY!!!

The Chinese are wise...

Well, when they're not making toxic toothpaste anyways.

Tonight I got take-out at Admiral Wang's House of Noodles (not the real name, but I don't remember what it was and I wanted to get in at least one racist remark in this thing...stinking Jews).

The meal was about what you'd expect from Chinese take-out. Rice, noodles, sweet and sour, egg roll, blah, blah blah. It was good.

Then, as is always the case, the meal ended with the always disappointing reading of the fortune.

Almost always it is something that is generalized to the point of stupidity. "You will find what you have searched for," or "Soon you will get a paycheck for $167.48 and you will be pissed beyond all rhyme or reason because you were sure you logged at least $300 worth of time but Eric the supervisor said there were deductions due to the 'forklift accident' that left trainee Blake with seven toes." You know, the usual crap.

But today...it came. The rare, self-fulfilling, genius fortune. It succeeded in proving itself true simply by what it said. The words made the fortune come true!!! That is some kind of sorcery.

BEHOLD!


"WELL, WHY NOT? ADMIT IT -- YOU'RE INTRIGUED."

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Why yes, yes I am. But about what? ABOUT THE FORTUNE ITSELF! Man. No wonder they were able to build a wall you can see from space.

If that isn't the best goddamn fortune you've ever seen you can go fuck yourself because I don't believe you.

Also, you know how on the back it gives you lottery numbers and instructions on how to write and say a certain Chinese phrase?

Hahaha, ahh.

Well, I got the best one of those ever too.

Wait for it...















































WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT FOR IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT...



















































































"LONG TIME"

If anyone ever gets a hold of one that teaches them how to say "Me love you" I'll take you on a trip to San Francisco and we can try that shit out in Chinatown.

The below post...

...is silly and I just felt like writing a stupid little story, but seriously. How do you get a save in a 30-3 game?

That's like giving me a medal of heroism because I shot a baby who was holding a knife.

Anyways I'm back and hopefully I'll be writing more now that I am feeling better.

Hoffman's Rearview

It began on Wednesday, August 22, 2007. The day when the stars aligned.

Texas Rangers reliever Wes Littleton (then 0-1 with a 4.28 ERA in 18 appearances) awoke to a day like any other. He got to the ballpark two hours early for the first game of a doubleheader against the Orioles at Camden Yards. He warmed up with some long toss, exchanged jokes with Jarrod Saltalajdbvhbjkbksbkhbvbkbvkhdhougmacchia, ate some tropical flavor Skittles in the clubhouse and got ready to take his seat in the outfield bullpen.

After the Rangers scored five times in the fourth inning to take a 5-3 lead Littleton grew anxious as it looked like he might perhaps pitch two-thirds of an inning in the sixth and add an all-important hold to his resume. But then it happened. Littleton, who hadn't pitched since the 16th against Kansas City, was suddenly thrust into the closer role.

You see, the Rangers had managed to squeak out a 14-3 lead after a nine-run sixth. There he stood with his warm-up jacket swaying majestically in the breeze. Fellow relievers Joaquin Benoit and C.J. Wilson glanced at him as he rose from the bench as children would stare at a tree bloated with presents on Christmas morning.

The game was his to save.

Women fainted in the aisles, men felt their penises decrease in size when faced with such unbridled heroism and servicemen and women stood and saluted with tears streaming their faces. For this was what they signed up to protect.

As if possessed by an otherworldly force, Littleton sat down the Orioles in order in the 7th inning. No one talked to him in the dugout. There was too much to lose by jinxing him now.

The Rangers helped him out with 10 runs in the 8th, making the score a slightly more comfortable 24-3. The fans could feel it now.

The first batter in the bottom of the 8th, Tike Redman, laced a single to centerfield and the defense visibly tensed, the ballpark fell silent and Littleton was left alone to deal with this impossibly gut-wrenching scenario. He was on an island. There was no one warming up in the bullpen. Manager Ron Washington gave him the ball and it was his to win or no one's.

Freddie Bynum grounded out, Redman thrown out at second. Miguel Tejada momentarily stopped the hearts of all in attendance with a deep drive to center...caught!!! It was his day. It had to be.

Kevin Millar singled to right. There were two on now. It is rumored that former Ranger Mark Teixeira called the front office at this time, sobbing, and begged to come back. There is nothing in Atlanta for him to compare to this. Despite threatening suicide they declined, saying that the trade is partially what made this a reality.

Melvin Mora walked. Bases loaded. There wasn't a dry seat in the house.

Standing in the way of history was the always dangerous J.R. House. They say he once hit a ball so hard in AAA that it went completely over the second baseman's head. The story was not lost on Littleton. He stepped off the mound, crouched down, kissed the cross that hung around his neck and breathed deeply before striding intimidatingly towards the rubber.

Historic lore or no historic lore, Littleton induced a fielder's choice out from House. As he walked off the field, House nodded in Littleton's direction as if to say, "Surely I am not that."

Six more Texas runs in the top of the 9th made the game 30-3. Chances were good that he would finish out the game with the lead still intact.

Ramon Hernandez swung at strike three like a retarded minnow to start the ninth. Jay Payton grounded out to set up the ultimate duel with Brian Roberts.

Women's panties blanketed the areas between the dugouts and the baselines. People cried as they tore up pictures of Cal Ripken, Jr. and Brooks Robinson. Their day as Baltimore baseball heroes had passed and the Littleton era had arrived.

When Roberts grounded out to end the game Littleton was immediately voted into the Hall of Fame with 100 percent of the vote, the first person ever to do that. Later on Baseball Tonight Tim Kurkjian spent 26 and a half minutes listing his accomplishments before finally exhaling deliberately and pronouncing that Littleton "once took down a bull elephant with a Chile Picante Corn Nut."

The box score reads "S-Littleton (1)". But those who witnessed it along with those who are reading about it now will remember it as much more.


The new permanent Sports Illustrated cover

Re-visiting my hit and miss MLB predictions

Below is a prediction sheet I did in March for the 2007 season. Some of it, as you will see, proves I am the world's foremost baseball genius. Other parts, however, will leave you wondering if I have a single reasonable thought in my head. (Things in parentheses denote new comments)


AL

East - Ummmmmmmmm, have you SEEN the Spankees' staff? Carl Pavano is the opening day starter. Nuff said. If they have a chance then 'Broken Wang' will have to win 19 games again...he won't. Also, Beckett cannot possibly be as bad as he was last year again. He was hurt all season and should have an ERA hovering around 4, not 5. (Well I got this one completely right. Yankees starters are as solid as poo after eating bad fish. I was right about Beckett...sort of. He HAS been better, just much better than I predicted).

Winner - Red Sox

Central - I would have picked the Twins a week ago, buuuuuuuuuuut that was before they named Carlos Silva as the No. 5 starter over Matt Garza, who had a 1 ERA in the spring and is maybe the best arm in the minor leagues (this includes you, Phil Hughes). This is an easy pick despite it being by far the toughest division in baseball. Jeremy Bonderman will win the Cy this year. Watch. (Umm, when he started the season 10-0 it looked possible, but Bondy has been just awful recently and he has 0 chance of winning the Cy. I am stupid).

Winner - Tigers (They still have a chance and I think both they and CLE will make it).

West - The Angels have a better lineup than the A's and an equally impressive pitching staff. Lackey, Colon (if healthy), Santana is about as good as Haren, Harden (if healthy) and Blanton. If, however, Harden IS healthy, the A's win the division running away because he is spectacular. The Angels' bullpen is great and their lineup is strong, so I fear them a bit, but not enough to commit to lunacy. (Well, Harden is Kerry Wood, which is fun for A's fans everywhere. Angels win running away. Hurrah).

Winner - A's (poop).

Wild Card - Ima go WAY out on a limb and go with a team with all the talent in the world but just never get it together in any meaningful way. Unless you consider an occasional 82-win season meaningful. Great lineup, suspect staff, suspect (at best) pen, but still, the lineup is ungodly. (Who's a fucking genius? It's me.)

Winner - Indians (Either CLE or DET here as above with the Central).

NL

East - Everyone picks the Mets, but yeah, like the Yankees they have no pitching at all. Glavine is 96 and is their opening day starter. Sorry, that just sucks. If Pedro comes back at all this year and is Pedro they have a chance, but no. This staff reminds me of the last shit I took on enchilada night. I'll go with a staff that has a wife beater and some douche with a name that sounds like 'Camels'.

Winner - Phillies (still technically possible, but they will have to try for the Wild Card first and foremost).

Central - Cards. NEXT! (Cards are still in it, thanks to the hilariously unlikely resurgence of Rich Ankiel. I doubt they will pull it out, but, possible).

West - Barry Zito was not worth half the money he got and you will see why in May when he has a 7 ERA and a 3-6 record. Unlike the A's, the Giants don't have a comeback instinct to make up for shittiness of such a magnitude. I hate everything about LA, but come on. What they did to that team cannot be ignored. (HAHAHAHA. Zito is just terrible).

Winner - Dodgers (Dodgers teetering between 3rd and 4th in the West but they could still win. I hope they don't tho. I hate them).

Wild Card - I really like a team that has not won in, well, ever. They have an absurd young infield and a good staff led by a guy with superhumanly nasty stuff. It may seem off the wall, but...

Winner - Brewers (Everyone owes me a coke for this prediction. I think they'll still win the Central, but predicting a playoff spot alone gets me genius points).

World Series - Tigers over Dodgers (Still possible also, but both might miss playoffs. Not good for me if that happens).

Awards:

MVPs - Pujols, Sizemore (Pujols is having just an OK season by his standards, MVP is out for him. Prince Fielder deserves it. As for Sizemore, it's not that he doesn't deserve it, it's just that A-Rod and Magglio deserve it more).
Cys - Carpenter, Bonderman (Carpenter has pitched two innings all year and is done til August...next year, and Bonderman has been recent poo. Josh Beckett and Brandon Webb probably deserve it. Dan Haren deserves it, but the A's suck. Webb might be the most under-the-radar two-time Cy winner of all-time if he wins it).

Check back on Oct. 2 to see how I did.

A Penny for your broke-ass?

In what can only be described as the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, 2007 has been instantaneously changed into 1994. How else can you explain the Miami Heat signing Penny Hardaway?

Boy, that Finals run the Magic made in 1995 with Shaq and Penny at the helm was great, wasn't it? So why not try it again with both being old, broken and shitty?

The Heat just keep on adding otherworldly talent to what just 12 months ago was known as "The Worst Team to Win a Championship in Professional Sports History."

In the words of Peter Griffin: WHOA, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...whoa. You mean to tell me that Joel Anthony, Michael Doleac, Smush Parker, Chris Quinn, Jeremy Richardson, Marcus Slaughter, Antoine Walker, Penny hardaway AND Dorell Wright now share the same locker room? I haven't seen a more heavenly meeting of souls since the internet leaked the Rosie O'Donnell-DJ Qualls sex tape.

Classy, not at all the real-life Leatherface, Pat Riley said of the move, "Penny is a player who has been an All-Star and has enjoyed an illustrious career."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. You know who else used to be an All-Star? Reggie Lewis. He, too, isn't producing much these days.

Yes, that was a bit offsides, but you laughed, so you can deal with hating yourselves instead of me.

I still think it's just an excuse to make "Blue Chips 2." The only thing holding it up is the fact that Nick Nolte is busy trying to drink away his performance in "Hulk."

Told ya

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

On my own Pre-Cognizance

Barry Bonds has been going about nine games between homers lately as the scrutiny has caused him to break out in forehead rashes (!!!) and generally just fucked him up at the plate. Last night he swung so hard at a John Lannan fastball that he was buried up to his ankles afterwards.

However, the record* 756th homer will come tonight, as predicted by my highly scientific approach.

Tonight Bonds will face a pitcher named Mike Bacsik. Yeah, you can already see that name in the record book can't you?

Here's a list of some of the victimized pitchers from legendary home runs past:

Babe Ruth's 500th - Willis Hudlin
Babe Ruth's 600th - George Blaeholder
Babe Ruth's Called Shot - Charlie Root
Babe Ruth's 700th - Tommy Bridges
Babe Ruth's 714th - Guy Bush (!!!!!!!!)
Bobby Thompson's pennant-winning (THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT!!!!!!!) homer - Ralph Branca
Bill Mazeroski's walk-off in the 1960 WS - Ralph Terry
Willie Mays' 600th - Mike Corkins
Hank Aaron's 715th - Al Downing
Hank Aaron's 755th - Dick "I must break you" Drago
Carlton Fisk's "Stay Fair" WS Game 6 homer - Pat Darcy
Barry Bonds' 73rd in 2001 - Dennis Springer
Barry Bonds' 756th - Mike Bacsik

Doesn't it just fit?

I mean, Al Downing was a pretty good pitcher, but the rest of these guys...who the fuck is Guy Bush!? Incidentally, I may have infringed on his name by accident, what with all the porn I produced under that pseudonym.

But there it is, my fearless forecast. My undeniable moxie. My Bacsik instinct. Woot.


Plus, he looks like he deserves to be victimized

Jim Rome still Burning, treatments fail

Seemingly lost in the annals of great television moments is the hilarious brush-up between a young Jim Rome and Jim Everett when Rome continually referred to Everett as "Chris."

Everett: "You probably won't say it again."
Rome: "I bet I do...Chris."
(Everett tackles Rome out of his chair)




He quickly found his way into the hearts of many sports fans after that. You have to admit that it's quite a nice little piece of media.

Shortly after that, though, a slight tingling sensation developed during urination. The tingling didn't stop him from getting his own five-day-a-week sports talk show on the heels of his Everett diss.

But soon the tingling turned to a full-on assault on his urethra. "It burns," he'd shout as his exit route turned beet red and chapped like the dirt floor of a desert canyon.

The feeling began to permeate his professional life. He went off on long tangents at the beginning of his show, exhibiting an intensely comical bias for Southern California sports and making fun of everyone who refused to come on his show.

He grew deliriously excited when someone agreed to do the show, prompting him to pop off with schmaltzy, hyper-poetic soliloquies that lasted as long as a full minute to promote the guest. He once went so far as to call then-Anaheim Angel David Eckstein "the greatest American since Lincoln."

Creams and shots and laser treatments did nothing to treat the burning and his anger towards the athletes that refused to appear. Tiger Woods refused to appear and shortly after Rome referred to him as a cold, robotic winning machine.

He even incorporated the now legendary penis problem into his act. To open he states: "But first, here's what I'm burning on..." He then ends the show with his "Final Burn."

Unfortunately for this joke of a man there has been no finality to the burning. Each day he grows more rank and despicable as he lauds Takashi Saito and slams those who rebuke him. Even now, as I write this, he mentioned Gilbert Arenas because he gave Rome a shout-out in his latest blog.

The days of glorious moments are gone, and all that is left is a sad little man with sand in his peter. They say at midnight, if you listen really hard, you can hear him trying to flick the last drop out of his dried-up, sandpaper pajama shark.

Neifi Perez just keeps on cheating

It was announced today that beastly slugger Neifi Perez tested positive for a banned stimulant for the third time. On July 6 Perez was suspended for 25 games for his second offense, but this time he will be out for 80 games.

The news just keeps getting worse for the Tigers, losers of eight of their last 10. The 25-gamer was set to end on Friday with the suddenly struggling Tigers slobbering all over Perez's Willis Reed-like return.

But now, a disillusioned franchise must deal with another blow in the midst of its first rough stretch of the season.

"It just kind of makes you sick," third baseman Brandon Inge said. "It's gonna be hard to make up for his two hits per month."

Starting pitcher Justin Verlander, tears streaking his face, wailed "God doesn't exist."

To make up for Perez's .172 average and six RBIs, general manager Dave Dombrowski plans to tape a bat to the hands of a kinkajou in hopes of sparking a resurgence.

"Fucking sweet," sobbed the normally stoic Jim Leyland.


The Past


The Future

Kevin Garnett walks through that door, fans

Kevin Garnett was officially traded to the Celtics today in exchange for five players, two first-round draft picks, six mules, four barrels of corn pone and $26.

While initially the deal seems great for the Celtics (it is), I love this deal for the T'Wolves. I really like Randy Foye and I think he is going to be a star in the next two years. He was the building block in Minny even before this trade and now they have a lot more weapons to play with.

Al Jefferson, Gerld Green, Ryan Gomes, Sebastian Telfair and Theo Ratliff('s contract) AND two first rounders added to the core of Foye, Corey Brewer, Mark Blount (highly underrated center) and Ricky Davis will make this team young and dangerous. Maybe not right away, in fact, definitely not right away, but in a couple years they will have dumped Ratliff's contract and hopefully Telfair as well and they will be ready to build something nice.

Garnett is a great player, sure, but the Wolves weren't going anywhere with him. Has anyone seen how fucking good Al Jefferson is/will be? He is one of the precious few inside forces in the league and he's really young. Gerald Green seems to be progressing from high-flying but generally otherwise useless player into an excellent all-around talent. Ryan Gomes is a nice piece too. He can hit the mid-range jumper and is a good rebounder for his size. I think Brewer could be really good player in the mold of Raja Bell but better offensively.

Telfair is garbage and he doesn't deserve to be in the league, but he had to be included. I hope he never sees a minute on the court. It would make me happy.

Opening night roser (probably) for the Wolves (age on opening night in parentheses):
PG-Marko Jaric (28)
SG-Randy Foye (24)
SF-Ricky Davis (28)
PF-Al Jefferson (22)
C-Mark Blount (31)

Bench (someone will have to be cut loose to make a correctly-sized roster)
Sebastian Telfair (22)
Corey Brewer (21)
Ryan Gomes (25)
Gerald Green (21)
Rashad McCants (23)
Juwan Howard (34)
Theo Ratliff (34)
Trenton Hassell (28)
Craig Smith (23)
Chris Richard (22)
(PG Troy Hudson was bought out by the Wolves today cuz he sucks)
(I left off Mark Madsen for very obvious reasons)

That lineup is good and very, very young. Throw in that they might get good players with those draft picks and I think the Wolves made out tremendously here.

The Celtics did a good job too because now they are at least relevant in the East. I saw a graphic yesterday that they now have three of the top seven active players with the most points without a title (Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett). I don't really buy that they are a title threat, but they will certainly be fun to watch.

I like it for the Cs, but I love it for the Wolves.


T'Wolves are a big winner today

Michael Vick loves dogs

Peanut - age 2 months


Peanut - age 3, after a bad performance

In case you didn't hear, dog lover Michael Vick pleaded not guilty to the charges against him today. He may be innocent. I mean I have dogs buried in my backyard too and I certainly have never killed one.

All kidding aside, these pictures are not the same dog (as far as I know) and Vick needs to be anally electrocuted for doing this. And yes, I have already convicted him. Some things are just obvious and need to be judged as so. A trial can only bring more O.J. Simpson shenanigans.

I used to like him but no more. I would respect him more if he killed a person, because most people are lame. You cannot do this to dogs.

Just in case you are on the fence, this is what he is "alleged" to have done:

"Dogs that didn't show enough fighting spirit, or lost matches, were put to death by methods that included shooting, drowning, hanging and electrocution, according to the indictment. Prosecutors allege that on one occasion earlier this year, Vick participated in killing eight dogs."

Dogs were also reportedly slammed to the ground until they died.

He does have some credibility to lean on at least. Ron Mexico has long been a clean-cut individual. Everyone carries around false water bottles with hidden weed-compartments, don't they?

Vick = class.

The NBA cheats

Weird, cuz I knew that five years ago. Tim Donaghy is rumored to be the NBA referee that has admitted to betting on games, including some he himself refereed. Well, never again can David Stern hide behind his infallable refs when charged with conspiracy. All those crazy theories about conspiracy and money-making schemes are now suddenly valid. I cannot remember if Donaghy was part of the uber-shenanigous (yeah, it's a word) Game 6, but I would not be surprised.

You know how players and coaches get fined a ridiculous amount of money for criticizing officials? Well, Stern was once asked why this is and his response was, "we don't want people questioning the integrity of officials. It just doesn't pay for us to do anything other than focus people on the game itself rather than the officiating."

But what happens when the officiating becomes the show? What happens when Scot Pollard and Vlade Divac foul out after literally not touching Shaq? What happens when Kobe hits Mike Bibby in the nose with an elbow, knocking him to the floor in plain sight of the blind, without a foul call? What happens when a team shoots 27 free throws in a quarter due to phantom calls ina game than ended in a four-point "win" for the undeserving team?

Sorry, Stern, but your officials' "integrity" just had its picture taken getting out of a car without its underwear on.

Back to my conpiracy charge, PTI's Michael Wilbon said the calls in game 6 were "stunningly incorrect." He added that "I have never seen officiating in a game of consequence as bad as that in Game 6."

David DuPree, who I believe is an absolute Lakers apologist even agreed, saying, "I've been covering the NBA for 30 years, and it's the poorest officiating in an important game I've ever seen."

So, every bad call we see from now on can be questioned if these charges indeed turn out to be true. Bad calls happen, but this development makes it so that every call can bring up the thoughts of unfair and blatantly misguided decisions. And worse yet, no one can discount them.


Never forget

John Hollinger is a fucking dumbass

ESPN's NBA "expert" John Hollinger has made his list of the 15 teams that have improved this offseason and the 15 that have gotten worse. Fine premise, monumentally better than that same entity's horrifyingly shitty Who's Now? garbage, but the execution of the premise left a lot to be desired.

You know who didn't improve themselves? The Kings. Yet this douche monkey has them in the half that got better. Tenth to be exact. Exactly how does adding Brad Miller's retarded protege and Mikki Moore make a team better? I await his formula for calling these additions quality ones.

The team that improved itself the most is apparently the Rockets for adding Mike James(...). Yeah, I mean it worked for the Timberwolves last year so I can see the point.

Number two: The Bobcats. Umm, this team without question hurt itself dramatically by trading Brandan Wright for broke-ass has-been Jason Richardson. What the hell is he THINKING!? (As I typed this a spider crawled across my computer screen. A clear sign of just how stupid this call is.)

Number four? You guessed it, the Knicks. Zach Randolph managed to get into trouble in PORTLAND, OREGON. But I think Hollinger's right, he won't be able to find anything unsavory to do in New York.

Those are the asinine picks in the 'improved' category. Now onto the 'got worse' category.

Nothing egregious until No. 18. That is where the Portland Trailblazers reside. Wow. One of two teams who dramatically and unquestionably improved themselves and they go at No. 18. Hollinger uses the "Yeah, but they won't be good this year" argument, but it's not about that is it? Were they good last year? No. Will they be more fun to watch this year? Yes.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand No. 30 AKA The Team That Got Worst Of All, The Sonics. The other one of the two teams that got uquestionably better. Yeah, Ray and Shard leaving will make them terrible next year, but again, the team that was there was impossibe to watch without shitting all over yourself. Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, Delonte West and Wally Szczgdfyhfjluhdocoygrobboerbiak are huge additions. I think West is a really underrated player and should start next year at PG. The Blazers and Sonics should have gone 1 and 2, while the Kings and Knicks should have gone 26th and 27th.

I usually disagree with Hollinger, as I have sent him numerous e-mails telling him I think he is full of poo. He never responds, cuz he's too smart to be questioned.

I want Gary Sheffield to die

"Sheffield says Torre treats black players differently from white players and says Jeter, who is from a mixed-race marriage, "ain't all the way black," during the interview with Andrea Kremer, as reported by Newsday."

You know, I want to walk up to Gary Sheffield and just say to is face, "I don't like you because you're black." Seeing as how he thinks everything is racist even when it clearly isn't, it would be interesting to see his reaction when faced with a real racist remark.

Would his head explode? Would he just burst into flame? Anyone else ever notice that he calls people racists by making racist statements? No one calls him on it...why? Jeter doesn't know what it's like to be on the receiving end of racism because he "ain't all the way black" huh? Yeah, mixed-race kids NEVER get picked on or have racism thrown at them.

Anyways, I just hope he dies.


Gary Sheffield on a Tigers off day

Kings off-season buzz

A lot is going on down in Vegas as far as the Kings are concerned.

1)Francisco Garcia apparently no longer looks like a recently tranquilized water fowl on the court, but I'll wait til I see it during regular season action to decide to hate him less.

2)Bibby looks like he's on the way out!!! Thank God. I used to love him because he was the only Kings player in the Sac era to ever resemble anything close to clutch. But then last year happened and he seemed to stop trying for large stretches of the season. I don't root for people who don't try. Keep Artest, dump Bibby.

Drew Gooden is rumored to be the acquired piece. Honestly I really like that deal. Gooden does one of the things that the Kings have always needed; rebound. He isn't a spectacular player, but good God. Had you seen how shitty the Kings were last year you would be clamoring for 12 points and 8 rebounds too. Our two power forwards (Kenny Thomas and Shareef Abdur-Rahim) basically got that between them.

3)Yiiiiiiiiiiii!!! Yi Jianlian doesn't want to play in Milwaukee and apparently is trying to get a trade to Sacramento. I would be so severely psyched if that happened. I'm sure any such deal would require we give up #10 pick Spencer Hawes as well as something else, but who cares? Hawes is Brad Miller redux and I'm not interested in that shit. It is time to embrace that the Kings are a rebuilding project and I am willing to let the 7-foot Chinaman progress as the team "refurbishes."

Projected starting lineups

Shitty lineup
Mike Bibby
Kevin Martin
Ron Artest
Kenny Thomas
Brad Miller
6th man - Shareef Abdur-Rahim

Refurbished lineup
Ronnie Price (or other if they pick one up)
Kevin Martin
Ron Artest
Yi Jianlian (or Gooden)
Brad Miller
6th man - Drew Gooden (or Yi)

God that would be great. They wouldn't win more than 30 games, but it would build towards a perhaps bright future.



Bring 'em on, Petrie.

A delicate conundrum

It seems like after losing nine straight All-Star games the NL would pull out all the stops to end the streak. Especially now with the horrible home field advantage rule. I would like to re-visit the tough call NL manager Tony La Russa had to make on Tuesday night.

The scenario:

Bottom of the 9th
2 outs
Down by 1
Bases jacked

So who do you bring in to at the very least tie the game?

Player A - .283 BA, 77 HRs, 301 RBI, .791 OPS (7-year career)
Player B - .330 BA, 266 HRs, 810 RBI, 1.037 OPS (7-year career)

I would choose B, but you know...it's a tough call.


BEWARE THE WRATH OF PU

A list...

Things I care about less than ESPN's mini-series "The Bronx is Burning":

-A cure for whatever kind of terrible form of cancer Skip Bayless inevitably gets
-ESPN's 'Who's Now?' horseshit
-Children
-Pedro Gomez following Barry Bonds around like a fucking dog
-The vast majority of today's popular music
-Kids
-Roger Clemens
-Young people
-Nothing

Derby O'Gill and the little people

After correctly picking Ryan Howard to win it last year, i have returned to prognosticate this year's winner.

Despite the fact that all the attention will be focused on the water in right field, SBC is a right-handed hitter's park. No lefties are going to hit homers to right center, commonly referred to as "Triples Alley".

Fearless forecast:

Pujols def. Howard in finals.

One person embarrasses himself every year by hitting one HR and it's usually a whitey:
1985 - Steve Garvey - 2, Ryne Sandberg - 2, Jack Clark - 2, Cal Ripken, Jr. - 1
1989 - Mickey Tettleton - 1, Gary Gaetti - 0
1991 - Chris Sabo - 0, Howard Johnson - 0
1993 - Mike Piazza - 0
1994 - Mike Piazza - 0
1996 - Jeff Bagwell - 2
1997 - Jim Thome - 0
1998 - Chipper Jones - 1
1999 - B. J. Surhoff - 2, Shawn Green - 2, Larry Walker - 2, John Jaha (!!!) - 1
2000 - Chipper Jones - 2
2001 - Todd Helton - 2, Troy Glaus - 0
2002 - Lance Berkman - 1, Alex Rodriguez - 2 (come on, A-Rod is whiter than me)
2003 - Richie Sexson - 1, Bret Boone - 0
2005 - Jason Bay - 0
2006 - Troy Glaus - 1

This year will be no exception. Enter Matt Holliday.

Joe Morgan should be shot in the face

LaDainian Tomlinson was in the booth for the third inning of a game on ESPN in San Diego and he was talking about his childhood idols. The following ensued:

Tomlinson - "I also idolized Emmitt Smith because I'm from Texas and I grew up a Cowboys fan."
Morgan - "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"

He also managed to slip in that Jim Brown is a "good friend of mine." Oh man, that's so awesome. Who else do you know???

Can we just go ahead and change the word 'quality' to 'Morgan'?


Tomlinson


Morgan

Hilarious videos

Girls can't do sound effects


Pussy spanking


Giraffe in quicksand


Wanking with mom


Very funny (if you saw the Sopranos series finale)


AYDS helped me lose weight!


The 300 Sandlot


Office Space as a thriller (FUCKING BRILLIANT!)


and finally...

FOCUS ON THE BOX!!!!




haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

A lost nugget

Today I found this list that I made two years ago. It is pretty funny if I do say so myself. Enjoy.



Bad Band Names:

Toiletbrush
Standard Length
Essence of Monkey
Fountains of Hezekiah
The Lovely Widgets
I Remember Phyllis
Penetrate Me, Phil
Tree Roots in the Plumbing of the Lord
Call Me If You're Not Busy
Hedge
Acid Screams
Grease Fire
Puzzles
Erik's River of cuCUMbers
I Only Fear Wolverines
Lonely and Obese
Fruitless Cherry Tree
Barry the Hairy Dairy Ferry
No Time For Pants
Only a Pervert When You're Near
Diabetes Twins
Gene Shalit, Is That You?
Penile Pustules
Liquor Panties {[(Think about it)]}
Explosive Gonorrhea
Jessie Gave Me Crabs
The Asian League
Plantar's Warts
Goatmeal
The Studebaker in My Mind
Pizza Is Too Expensive
Laundry List
The Desecrated Mausoleum
Fuck Me, I'm Bulgarian
Unemployed Mid-30s Warlock
The Stupid Valedictorians
Ever Done It With a Gay Guy?
Menstrual Meanderings
Raizinz
Punting on 3rd Down
You Will Not Like This Band
Apathetic Songwriters
Severed Torso
The Bludgeoning
Semi-Retarded Newscasters
Constipation Nation
Gerbil in my Nickers
Extreme Frontal Nudity
Lobotomy Necklace
Foil-Wrapped Mutton
Circumcision Gone Awry
Shortage of Chairs
$250 a Plate
The Near-Sighted Norwegians
Prometheus Douchebag
I'm Friends with Ashton Kutcher
The Annoying Relatives
Lingering Hallitosis
Addicted to the Golf Channel
Neutered Fertility Statue
Corporal Slippyfists
I Will Inject My Love Into You
Too Late for a Burial
Chunky Nut Butter
Fortune Shines on the Portley
Pilates for the Soul
Diary of Anne Stank
Extortion Chamber
Single White Yeti
Below Me, Johnny
Shrimp Business
Motorhome Ladies
The Fish Tank
Writing Through Mental Block
Cramped from Wanking
The French
Quilting Homos
Broken Hearing Aid
Milktown, USA
Overproductive Seminal Vessicles
Eating Through the Pain
I Don't Know You and I Don't Want To
My Your Farts Smell Terrific
Don't Blame Me, I Thought She Was a Guy


Good Band Names:

Bridge to Nowhere
9mm with Nothing to Lose
Misplaced Anger
Dark Luminescence
Milkmaid at the Teets of Humanity
Ex-Girlfriend
Inspired by Rage
Days of Rain
Subtraction by Addition
Platinum Vessel



Choose your favorites...

(sidenote-It's much harder to think of good band names)

Doppelgangers

Have you ever wondered what Andy Roddick and Noah Lowry have in common? I mean, other than being lame-ass douchebags. Well, they are, in fact, the same person...


Roddick or Lowry


Roddick or Lowry

Pretty good, that. However, nothing will ever compare to the frightening similarities between Adam Dunn and Will Ferrell.


Dunn, I think


Ferrell?

Goddammit that will never stop being funny.

Neifi Perez finally caught cheating

He has been suspended 25 games for testing positive for a banned stimulant.

It has been coming for a long time. In 2005 his head was all big and he exploded for 9 home runs and 54 RBI. That's a bigger increase than Barry Bonds ever encountered.

I mean, we do remember that Bonds was one of the 10 best players of all-time even before the steroids nonsense, don't we? It's just a shame that Neifi's greatness was born through a lab. How do the Hall of Fame voters react to this? Stay tuned.


Perez in 2004


Perez 2005-Present

Eric what!?!?!?

"With the blast, which followed a sixth-inning shot off Eric Stults, Jones moved past Dale Murphy on Atlanta's all-time list with 372 homers."

At first I thought it said the pitcher's name was Eric SLUTS. Dyslexia ruels.


Sluts, peering into your soul.

My these grapes are sour

"Mavericks owner Mark Cuban claims in an ongoing dispute with his former coach that Don Nelson used "confidential information" to help the Golden State Warriors pull off a stunning first-round playoff victory."

Umm, since when does making 62 three-pointers and winning by 12, 18 and 25 constitute cheating? Maybe it was your 'MVP' averaging 19.7 ppg and choking just as hard as he did last year against the Heat in the Finals.

I am well aware that playoff shenanigans take place, what with the NBA conspiring against my Kings in 2002 and stuff. However, other than a cash grab scenario like that was, this is just stupid.

What is 'confidential information'? Did he know that Dirk is allergic to shellfish and then have a ballboy squirt crab juice into his gatorade? Maybe he knows that Jerry Stackhouse is in fact not a man, but instead the leader of the bat people of Southern Romania and found some way to exploit that. I don't know.



Jerry Stackhouse

Anyways, Cuban has found a way to make himself look even more foolish and lame. Bravo!

I hate Warriors fans, but this picture is just classic given this obscene new turn...

Spencer Hawes doesn't believe in global warming...

"5. Degrees of Rightness

Spencer Hawes is a hardcore conservative from, of all places, the liberal stronghold of Seattle. He was drafted into a city (Sacramento) where one of the country's most recognizable Republican governors (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is in office. Hawes says he "loves" Arnold, and that he brought True Lies with him on the trip to New York, with plans to watch it on the flight home. "Now it has a little extra meaning for me," Hawes said.

Before we expect some kind of right-wing, basketball-and-politics partnership to form, though, Hawes might need to change his stance on global warming. Schwarzenegger, who most recently discussed the issue with world leaders during a tour of Europe, has become a leading figure in the fight for action against climate change. Hawes has a different view.

When I spoke with Hawes at the league's predraft camp on May 31, he talked about a recent Public Debate class exercise at the University of Washington. In it, he said, he denied the entire existence -- and human cause -- of global warming. When asked for his take on Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth, Hawes said, "It's one big lie. I talked about that in my opening speech -- it's the media's liberal overexaggeration of just about everything."

Hawes, also an avid listener of The Rush Limbaugh Show, will be happy to know that Rush also turned pro -- as a talk radio host -- in Sacramento. For fear of overexaggerating any additional draft tales, we'll leave you with that."




No word yet on Hawes' stances on gravity, the multiplication tables and marrying outside one's own family.


Spencer Hawes' high school math class:

Jay Bilas says...

Hawes "doesn't rebound" and "can't block shots."

Man, we have always needed a center like that!!! We certainly don't have anyone like that on our roster right now.

The Kings take a

Slow...white...center.


I'm leaving now.

Thornton vs. Hawes

Don't take Hawes. Fucking hell don't take Hawes, Kings. Come on, please? We don't need any more slow, white centers.

I swear, if you take Hawes...I don't know if I'll really be upset cuz I know nothing about him, but...I want Thornton cuz he can score.

We need that dynamic scorer to go alongside Martin and Artest. Martin can score, sure, but he needs help. Think how much more freedom he would have if we added another 20 ppg scorer.

Come on Kings. Thornton.

Bulls

I'm not worried because I value Thornton really high and I think they're taking Hawes here.

Uhhh, don't say anything about Thornton, asshole. Leave my boy alone.

Furthermore, I wouldn't mind having Noah. We need toughness and he has it. I hated him in college, but I would like him on my team.

But seriously, don't take Thornton here...

Alright, sweet.

Wright's gone

Fuck!
Shit
Fuck
Douche
Cunt
Olives
Shoes
Bitch

Why does Stephen A. have a job? Seriously, someone answer me.

Nice braces. People over 12 shouldn't have braces. (Notice how I'm berating him now that we can't get him? That's my style). Fuck Wright. Lame-ass fucker anyway.

I'm only doing this through the 10th pick

I'm tired and I only really care who the Kings get.

Come on, Charlotte, pass on Brandan. He is my boy. He won't go to the Bulls at 9 I'm pretty sure, so it all comes down to right here.

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Rachel Nichols. I want her to eat my balls.

OOHHHH, take Noah. TAKE HIM!!! Leave Brandan for us!

Oh you motherfuckers. Goddammit. That pisses me right off.

T-Wolves

Since when are the T-Wolves alowed to make a first round pick? Haha. They just talked about it as I typed this.

Brewer, very nice. He is a defensive dynamo.

Wow. And here I was thinking Noah couldn't possibly look any stupider. He looks like Weird Al and Pee-Wee Herman's love child.

If they can trade KG I think the Wolves are set if they can get some picks. Brewer, Foye, other younguns.

The Kings will get either Noah, Thornton or Wright(s). If the Bobcats keep this pick they are taking Wright. You know Jordan will take the Carolina guy.

I want him though. He is special.

Why is Stuart Scott calling him "E"?

Wow, this guy should not be speaking. That was the worst interview ever.

Stu: "What do you like most about America?"

Yi: "Uhhhhhhhhhhh-mmmmmmmmmmmm. I like the L.A. I went to work out there and ummmmmmmmmm I like the lake and the peoples."

Thanks Yi. Good show.

Bucks on the clock

What do they do here?

Yi! Wow. I dunno if I agree with that for the Bucks. I guess it works cuz who's their PF? Technically Bogut is a center I guess. I am interested to see how he develops, because if he's good we will have to watch China for talet a lot more closely. Yao is excellent, so if Yi is too then it is officially a talent pool.

Ha! Nice picture, ass.

I can't wait til the Timberwolves trade KG for a bag of Skittles.

Haha, the Chinaman's people didn't want the Bucks to "see him play." Hahahahahaha. That's awesome. Stupid Chinese.

Lemon Lime

These Sprite Lemon Lime commercials are ghastly and the Transformers movie looks stupid. Transformers do not look like that, assholes. Michael Bay ruins everything he touches.

I hope the Kings trade Bibby at some point during this draft and they take Acie Law with whatever pick they get. That guy's a stud.

Fifth pick

Why is Lisa Salters here? She isn't hot. Get Erin Andrews and Rachel Nichols up in dis bitch.

RAY ALLEN to Boston!!! That is just silly.

Jeff Green at No. 5 is too early. I have seen him going as late as 12th in mock drafts.

He's good though, I would have liked him for the Kings at 10, but there are plenty of others I would like as well. I think of Green kind of like Josh Howard in that he was a great college player that seemed to be talked down as ne entered the draft. No one said anything about him going in but he was the best player on a team that was a sexy pick to win it all last year.

Green and Durant. Man, that's a really, really solid building block for the future. So do they keep Rashard now? Cuz I thought he was the one to leave, not Ray.

I'm hoping for Thornton, Brandan Wright, Julian Wright, maybe Yi, Noah for the Kings. There are lots of good players in there.

Mike Conley

I think he could be good, but I was never awed by him. He should be good in Memphis though, because I don't think they're as far away from being good as they appeared last year. Gasol is a stud and Mike Miller is the sharpshooter. Add a good point guard (sorry DStoud and Chucky Aykins) and they are a 50-win team.

Good pick.

Now shit gets interesting. Is the Chinaman next? Stay tuned.

Third pick

Pritchard is lying, They were taking Oden from day one. Of course he's not going to say that because he wants the spotlight on his team for as long as possible. It was a no-brainer pick to me. You take the big man.

Horford, beauty. I really like him. He has a chance to be a really good player in my opinion. He was kind of overlooked as part of that Florida team, but he was easily the best player. I think they could have still won without Noah or Brewer, but not without Horford.

He's got a little Barkley in him, but is 6 inches taller.

Hmm, Stephen A. Smith is talking and saying something stupid again. Shocking. Hmm, I've never hears Horford talk before I don't think. I didn't know he was Dominican. Shows how much I know about these people after all.

I agree, Mark Jackson. Conley is less of a sure thing than Horford.

Durant

Damn, I was looking forward to seeing Ray and Durant play together. That would have been sick.

Oh awesome, the first hysterical sports mother interview. She's clearly just crying because now she gets a free house and cars and junk. Where's Durant's dad? Haha. Oh yeah.

I can't get over this Ray Allen deal. I guess Pierce's demand to get an established player was taken seriously. He's probably pissed right now though, cuz I think he just wanted to leave and figured Danny Gaynge would fuck up and not actually do it.

Durant kind of looks like Michael Jordan in the facial area. Al Horford up soon!

NBA Draft live blog

I decided to live blog this thing. Hi everyone.

Greg Oden first, nice. I really like him. He's got the game and what not but he's also really cool and personable like LeBron.

Haha, the cutaway to the 'war room' even though they made this decision the day of the lottery. Here goes Bilas, what a sloppy douche.

Stephen A. Smith needs to be violated with any and all nearby objects.

Seriously, Oden is at least 37. Yes, it's an old joke, but God. Look at him! His hands are fucking huge.

I also don't like Stuart Scott or Mike Tirico, but I don't think it's cuz they're black. It's cuz they are stupid assholes.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...Ray Allen just got traded????? Oh my God. Pierce and Allen? Fucking hell!

Draft Time!

The tension is building. My palms are sweaty, waiting for the time to come. My phone, as usual, will be far away from me to avoid distractions. Laptop? Check. Various snackies? Check (Oh, how I heart you, Tostitos Nacho Cheese Dip).

Friends will be shunned, family will be left to burn, should they set themselves afire. Don't bother me. From 4 p.m. PST until 10:00 p.m. PST I shall not be bothered, cajoled, goaded or otherwise provoked to move out of my chair's ass-groove until I have had my fill of surprises, Jay Bilas' upside talks and numerous cutaways to Dick Vitale by phone screaming about how foreign players should be killed and that only players from Dook should be drafted.

This is how I foresee the joyous event playing out.

3:00 p.m. - I will turn to ESPNews to watch Around the Horn and PTI, and will grow uncommonly impatient that after seemingly hours of watching Bill Plaschke lisp his way through sloppily founded arguments and bad jokes it's only 3:06.

3:13 p.m. - Fuck. Is Plaschke still fucking going? Stop talking about how everyone who plays in L.A. is God, mmmkay?

3:30 p.m. - Blah blah blah Kornheiser hair joke blah blah blah Wilbon doesn't like American Idol blah blah blah penguin dance blah blah blah Victoria Beckham is hot blah blah fuck me this is stupid blah blah blah Stat Boy blah blah blah Goodnight Canada aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene.

4:00 p.m. - Here we go. It's time, bitches. The TV told me it starts at 4 p.m. so here I am. Laptop, snackies and expectations in tow. I have long since thrown my cell phone in a drawer and shut out the world so I can achieve nirvana in my self-imposed vegetative state. Wait a...

What the creamed corn hell is this shit? Why am I looking at Stuart Scott and Stephen Asshole Smith? What circle of hell have I just stumbled into? I check the guide. The draft starts at FIVE, this is just an hour more of bullshit pre-draft coverage. Gee, I wonder if they'll talk about Oden and Durant. Maybe throw in some 'Who will go No. 3?' talk and the inherent risks/rewards of a 7-foot chinaman.

4:02 p.m. - I am playing Madden Franchise mode. I'm in year five with the Texans. I have time to do some training camp drills and try to build my second-string ROLB from a 78 overall into an 83, cuz, well, that shit's important. I am a GM, dammit! Besides, I'll only play for a few minutes anyway.

4:58 p.m. - I am irritated beyond words as I am at a spot in the game where saving isn't an option and I'm glancing at the clock every 8 seconds weighing the option of turning off the game and sacrificing these 56 precious minutes that I have spent turning a 10-6 team into an 11-5 one or keep playing and hope that I can save very soon.

5:01 p.m. - All is well. I paused he game and simply switched TVs. Beautiful.

5:22 p.m. - Still no one has picked. What the dong panties is going on? Why are they still talking about this like it's happening tomorrow? Get to the picks! Jesus. No, NO Stephen A. You shall not shout until spoken to.

5:36 p.m. - With the first pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Portland Trailblazers select...Josh McRoberts, Duke. Somewhere Dickie V. is jacking off until he ejects dust from his old balls. But seriously, the first two picks are Oden first, Durant second.

6:23 p.m. - Are we seriously only at pick 7? I see players I want the Kings get disappear one by one. Horford - gone at No. 3, Brewer - gone at 6 or 7. But what about Mike Conley, Jr? Noah's still on the board too.

6:41 p.m. - Pssh, fuck Noah. I didn't want him anyway. Sweet, Brandan Wright is still there along with Julian Wright, maybe Jeff Green. Al Thornton would be a tits pick too. Awesomeness.

6:46 p.m. - With the ninth pick, the Chicago Bulls select Spencer Hawes, Washington. YES! Brandan Wright is ours! I am dancing with a fervor rarely seen and even rarer duplicated. I frantically IM my Kings fan friends that he's ours. WOOOOO!!!! We are trying to get standing room tickets for the home opener. Fucking ticketmaster. More like ASSmaster! Way to not have what I'm looking for.

6:56 p.m. - With the 10th pick, the Sacramento Kings select Tiago Splitter. OH MY ANALLY RAPED FETUS FUCK! Who the FUCK is Tiago Splitter? Tiago? Oh Geoff Petrie, you better hide yourself away. I will kill you so hard Yoda will sense it.

6:57 p.m. - The gun is loaded, I just need an address. I get some people on it.

7:00 p.m. - Scrubs reruns, nice. I really need to calm down. Shit, I saw this one eight times last week. I begin drinking the Tostitos nacho cheese dip and fantasizing about what Sarah Chalke feels like on the inside.

8:00 p.m. - I am lying down now, trying to pretend that my team didn't just take some unknown cock blanket from Brazil. I got shit planned out though, it's okay.

8:00 - 9:00 p.m. - Anything but ESPN, I must stay away from the rage-promoter.

9:00 - 10:00 p.m. - Baseball Tonight. Shit, the crawl at the bottom is showing draft updates. I get duct tape to cover the bottom inch of the screen. Woot.

10:00 - 11:00 p.m. - Not SportsCenter. Anything but. Maybe there's a good softcore on one of the 50 HBO channels I get. YES! 'Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade'! My favorite.

11:00p.m. - 1 a.m. - Probably watching Buffy episodes on DVD, letting Xander tickle my funny bone in ways that are strange and confusing.

1 a.m. - Bedtime. I may or may not have brushed my teeth. It doesn't matter. I have never been close enough to a girl for it to matter. See? Depression and self-loathing have permeated this day that I was so excited for. Fuck sports. I hate basketball. I'm gonna become a NASCAR fan. HAHAHA. Oh man can you imagine? I drift to sleep after laughing myself stupid thinking about actually enjoying cars driving in circles. I might as well go find one of my cousins and impregnate her and start listening to Rascal Flatts.

5:54 a.m. - Oh my God...I didn't turn the PlayStation off on the other TV. Well, no use checking now, it has certainly burst into flame by now. My life sucks.



Or, I dunno, maybe Oden falls to 10th and I die of a joy attack. You don't know.

See you all tomorrow at FIVE p.m. Don't try to reach me.